Just know Quit, addiction tells nothing but lies. All the horrid feelings you are having are a direct result of the alcohol. Not you.
Your life is worth living, you can be happy, but you have to make a decision to not pick up again, no matter what.
I told myself if I had to stand on my head for 10 hrs a day, I'd do it. Whatever it took.
Change happens when the pain of holding on is more than the fear of letting go.
You can do this. Just don't give up.