texassuccess

Hi all, my first post.

Two months ago I filed for protective custody of our 2 and 3.5 year old children. Also filed for divorce to lock down the assets.

AW still in denial.

Her lawyer made her get an intoxilizer and sign up for rehab the day before our first court hearing. The judge ordered those as well as for her not to drink.

Judge initially gave her unsupervised possession on Thursdays and alternate weekends. The kids stayed in the house and I moved out on those weekends and she moved in. She was a stay at home mom and the kids have been in daycare since. She got a great job during that time.

At the status hearing 45 days later, I had evidence of her continued drinking, she perjured herself in court, lied to her attorney and then turned on him saying that he didn't tell her she wasn't supposed to drink AT ALL. He had to withdraw as her attorney on the spot.

She signed away all her unsupervised visitation/possession instead of having all the evidence heard in open court.

She is still in denial.

She has not asked about the kids, nor asked how to set up the supervised visitation she is entitled to.

I've been attending al-anon meetings but I'm losing the peace I found when I "won" the kids' safety.

I have anxiety about when/if she will begin her recovery. I want to push her closer to her bottom to ensure it happens. I know I must not.

I don't want a divorce. I know that one day I may need one.

I constantly think about her, about not being able to manage the children on my own. About what she is doing. About wanting to tell her I've started my recovery and that I'll be ready for her when she starts hers. About our future first night together when we are both in recovery.

I no longer feel anger for her past behavior, even the most recent and hurtful events. I chalk them up to alcoholism. I believe she didn't drink during pregnancy and I miss that person. I believe she still loves me and there is hope for our family.

I know I need to begin my own 12 steps and recently got a sponsor. I know I cannot force her, and I'm yearning to know how I can at least 'support' her during this denial phase, and the coming phases. I fear the answer is to keep increasing the level of distance and detachment until peace comes.

I wonder what involvement is out of bounds? I want to tell her I love her, that she knows what she must do and that I will be there when she's gone through her path and is ready for my support and forgiveness. I fear she does not yet know that her own forgiveness is necessary and that getting mine will be no effort at all.

I want to tell my parents not to leave. They've been helping immensely with the children. Would they leave if my arm or leg was broken? What about my brain? They fly out tomorrow.

I know roughly what this path to recovery for myself looks like. I am in deep withdrawal from my past codie behaviors, the obsessing over her drinking, the fantasy of being able to help, the deep desire for control. I know to do the 'next right thing' when faced with indecision. I feel I lack the ability to execute.

I don't want to be a living martyr. I'm not selfless. I am hugely selfish. I am finding it difficult to define my children as my higher power. They remind me of the fantasy of our happy life. I worked, she was their mother. I didn't fight to take the kids from her to protect them, I did it to protect my own self identity. The identity that was eroding rapidly while living with her alcoholism. The identity of a man who knew this could not go on for himself and his family. My life became unmanageable. Between the nanny cam, snooping in her purse, and talking to her for 2 hours to admit to hiding her drinking, I was destroying myself.

I watched from afar as her downward spiral intensified when she was kicked out of the house. Within walking distance of bars/restaurants. With men picking her up to take her out to drink, and worse. I survived it all with ongoing love for her and for who she one day might yet be. With forgiveness and understanding as I learned more about her disease.

I chose texassuccess as my login name because I know I will succeed, I must, there is no other option. The paths are clear, the actions clear, the outcomes not, and that is fine. The issue is the anxiety accompanying the path. The anxiety of breaking down crying infront of my kids. I want my AW's comfort. I know she doesn't have it to give right now.

I want all of my new al-anon friends to move in to my house, to share their stories 24/7, stories and experiences which always help me. I feel I need to start going every day instead of every week.

It has been only a week since I've admitted that I'm an addict too. I fear the lack of immediate control over my anxiety emotions. I was always able to 'do something' about my anxieties. (well except when it came to the AW)

I feel so much better after writing this.

Thank you.