OhBoy

Let me play some home movies for you. 18 years ago I met a pretty, shy girl in a bad relationship that I could rescue. I was shy as well, but growing up with an alcoholic father, who became a recovered alcoholic, I knew I could fix her & we would be happy. We were young, 19 or so, and we went to parties. We both drank but so did all of our friends. A few times she would get so drunk I would have to carry her. She would black out & not remember but everything was ok for her because she woke up in our bed safe & sound. We "made a deal" that if we were to continue this relationship this could not happen again. It didn't for awhile & I proposed to her, she accepted.

We lived in my parents basement for a few years, bought some land & saved up enough to get a loan to build her dream house. Things were good and for the most part we were happy. We were so excited about the house, she had a childhood living from apartment to apartment so a house to call her own was a dream come true & I was happy to provide it for her. I had a good steady job & she drifted from job to job but was never without work so I supported her each time she got a new job, even though she took less money each time. Sure she would drink to the point of passing out from time to time, we would talk & things would be fine for a while.

There were a lot of injuries. Countless sprained ankles, broken ankles, sprained wrists, broken collar bones, bruises with no explanation from drunken falls. There were many from falls down the stairs. Damned good thing I was there! I took on all the chores, the cooking, the cleaning, taking care of the dogs, as well as lawn work & all my other chores while holding down a full time job. She wasn't to lift a finger, not on my watch! She was to get better, that was her job. Sure it was funny! Ha Ha she needs to be wrapped in a bubble suit! She is so clumsy, keep her away from ladders! we would all laugh, her included.

Slowly, over time, we started to drink more often, I would have a few beers, she would have her box of wine. But her drinking changed. She no longer drank to have a few & relax or be social. Drinking to pass out became the norm. I accepted it as "that's just how she is". It happened slowly enough that I got used to it as her disease progressed. We had more & more "talks" & I became increasingly more frustrated & eventually angry. Now it was starting to affect me. The accidents were more frequent & I found myself under stress in every aspect of my life. The stress from home wove into the stress at work & there was no release. I couldn't hang out with friends because she would injure herself or I would have to carry her out. By now she was drinking pretty heavily, about 2) 5 liters of the cheap, nasty box wine. I know, I kept very close track! Now when we argued she would lie & say things to intentionally hurt me. She was lying more and more with no cause to do so.

One night at about 2 AM, after I had gone to bed pissed off that she wasn't home yet, I got a call from a hospital. She was in a car accident coming home from her mothers. I spoke with the ER surgeon, he said the seat belt had ripped her open from the bottom strap. They had to remove about a foot from her intestine. She had lost a lot of blood But IF she survived the night she would most likely live. I walked into her room in intensive care to see her lying there, unconscious with tube & wires & probes & a half dozen computer screens all blipping & pulsing & doing whatever it is they do. I remember there was 1 light on above her, right above her head showing her swollen face with a breathing tube down her throat. The surgeon couldn't really give me a good answer as what her chances were as there was so much alcohol in her system and that's what made it such a tricky surgery. Her BAC was .36 from the hospitals blood test.

She made it through the night and with a few set backs she was home in about 3 1/2 weeks with a colostomy bag. I changed her bag EVERY SINGLE TIME. I would not allow her to do it. I was the one who was taking care of her. The less she interfered, the easier it was for me. I was used to doing everything from all the previous injuries, but this was a whole new level. Now there were doctors visits2-3 times a week, the cleaning of the wounds, the changing of the colostomy bag, answering all the inquiries from family & friends. Of course the questions were always "how is SHE doing" never how are YOU doing. True she was the injured one, but my plate was pretty full as well. After a few weeks she was off of her medications & asked if she could have a glass of wine, I told her it was her choice. Guess what her choice was? She was able to drink in moderation. After a few months they removed her colostomy bag & hooked her intestines back together. She was back to work for a few months & at her company Christmas party she got drunk & was flipping people off in front of BIG boss whom she had just met for the first time that night (he worked at the main building not the field office she worked at). She was just joking around and meant no ill will, but........
I also found out later that prior to her accident she had kissed her boss, at least that's all she admitted to. Few weeks after the christmas party, she was laid off & her boss was transfered. Now I had to figure out how to pay the bills without her income, somehow I did & to this day I have no idea how!

Every day I would cry in the shower. I had to so I could just make it through the day. AW was home, unemployed, no license (she was charged with DWI from her accident) & drunk everyday. Passed out on the couch either before or shortly after I got home. When it was time for bed I would wake her & help (carry) her upstairs to bed. She would be SO mean & nasty to me & it took close to 20 minutes every night to get her up. I hated it. At this point I hated just about everything in life. I was angry at everything. Everyone & everything annoyed me. There was never enough time in the day, EVER! I felt so run down, so sad, so angry, so depressed so FRUSTRATED! If people would just GET IN LINE everything would be ok! Surely everyone can see how much easier it would be if they just would LISTEN TO ME! RESPECT ME! Look at all I do for everyone else, don't I DESERVE a little respect?

AW continued to drink more & more. I gave up. NOTHING I did changed a damned thing. Eventually I found SR. Lurked for quite a few months. I didn't dare register. Then my wife would be an alcoholic. After a few months I crawled into an ALANON meeting. It was now VERY real. My life had become unmanageable in every way. I noticed AW's shaking hands in the morning & eventually caught her in her morning drink. By now her drink of choice had become vodka, and lots of it! She now lied about everything, no matter how big or how insignificant, she lied. I became increasingly suspicious & one night her mother was carrying her in the house from one of their nights out at the bar & she lost her phone in the garage when she fell & I found it the next day. I have always respected her privacy, but something wasn't right. I found out she was cheating on me. I confronted her & she said couldn't remember as she was now blacking out about 5 nights a week.

Things were getting progressively worse between us, and though my recovery was progressing, so was her disease & her infidelity. She would now disappear for days with no explanation. There were more & more mysterious phone calls from strange men in the middle of the night. She was hiding her drinking more & more from me saying she would not let me make her hit rock bottom. More lies, more secrecy & no love. We started sleeping in separate rooms. I suggested we separate to reflect on our marriage & decide if we continue being married. She refused. She suggested we work on our relationship. I agreed, knowing I had to give it every last chance so I could walk away knowing I did all I could. After a couple months of me trying & her getting worse, I confronted her about her lack of work in the relationship. She said she didn't know where I ever got this idea that we were working on our marriage & wished I would stop bringing it up. The last straw was her running up our credit cards. So today I filed for divorce.

Funny, even though I have been in the middle of chaos for the last year, I have been getting calmer & finding some serenity through it all. In the past I would turn to hate & resentments to fill the void. Now I know I will get through it. This is just an end to this chapter in my life. It's an unusual feeling to have an inner peace with so much chaos surrounding me, but comforting. When I focus on myself & things I control (me), I don't get sucked into the $hit storm. I owe a great deal to ALANON & SR for getting me through this, but I also owe myself too. I no longer have to take responsibility for everything bad that happens in my world, only for things I am responsible for.

Sorry so long, but after 18 years together, I needed to reflect & I can think of no better place than here! So thank you for letting me ramble, I needed to let it go.
OhBoy