Originally Posted by
Jeanie84 
Our addicts are "incapable" of seeing what their addiction does to themselves and others, so isn't that why we are here? To open their eyes and show them? Steer them towards a path of recovery? Not to abandon them so that it just gives them more reason to use. I know that I have become codependent. I know that I put up with a lot of things (mostly financial) that I certainly should not be putting up with. But I just keep thinking that if it were myself as the addict, I would not want my loved ones to back away, I would want them to help me gain the strength to want to get treatment. Not to enable but to support. I feel like a lot of people (on here and in real life) think I am crazy for putting up with him. With an Addict. But, I love him so much. If it were my daughter or son, or siblings or parents who were the addict, I don't think I could "leave" them either. Even though this disease has hurt me emotionally beyond belief. Ugh, I just don't know how to feel sometimes. It's all just so sad.
Hey Jeanie.... believe me I (and I am sure so many of us here on SR) really do know how you feel. Please read some of my threads and the responses i received from WISE members on SR.. I don't want to repeat my story on your thread but look at some of mine 'Liar, Liar, Range Rover on Fire' in particular....
What I am trying to say is that I completely felt as you do. I believed LOVE and LOVING another human being - meant COMPLETELY sacrificing EVERYTHING For that other person. I came from an alcoholic background - my dad, whom I loved and ADORED was an alcoholic - and only now (at the age of 38 - after joining SR because of my cocaine addicted love of my life - do I realise the damage it caused - that i was totally co-dependent)...
Jeanie - you HAVE to understand that loving an addict is NOT enough!!!!!!!!!!! That you cannot love an addict to health. And this is the mistake any UNINFORMED person makes. Jeanie, I had NO IDEA of the power of addiction. Addiction (or anyone in active addiction) means that the first love for that addict is the drug; the first thought on their mind upon waking is the drug; and the last thought is the drug; and when you watch your addict sleep - their fitfull, anxious half-sleep - the brain is so rewired - that all it is thinking of is drugs!!!!!!!!
If you really love this person - but I ask you seriously 'do you REALLY love him????" For a truly healthy person would not in all probability stick around. yes, I understand (and this is one of those dreadful traps that keeps us here) - is that 'what about love for a son, a daughter, a spouse - what about 'unconditional love'??? How can I possibly desert my loved one???God loves us all unconditionally - so why can't I???
Yes, all the above is true.... BUT, IF, YOU are not healthy - then you cannot possibly, truly love another. So when I say' do you really love this man?' - I am asking you - is the love unconditional? Is it with hope, based on future plans? Is it without conditions? For most people in an addictive relationship (hell, most people in ANY relationship) place RIDICULOUS expectations on the other person (and even more ridiculous expectations on an addict - for you should never place ANY expectations on an addict - not even to feed the cat!)
The only way you can truly help this man you love - and demonstrate true unconditional love - is realising that right now you are only governed by your EGO - and the deep desire to 'make things right' and 'fix' the man you love. You might not have considered this at the moment - but there is always a pay off - what is yours? Why do you want your BF healthy? What are the reasons? Will it make you feel better? Will it make YOU happier? What does he give you? What truly can he, whilst in active addiction offer your 2 month old baby? What could he offer you if he were sober??
Once you honestly answer these questions - then you need to sit down quietly - take a deep breath - say a prayer... and then let it all go!!!!!!!!!
You CANNOT help him! Only HE can help himself with the grace of God. And Jeanie I truly know how tough this concept is to grasp. Believe me I do!!!!! But you HAVE to just accept it - that by hanging on to him- you are only enabling him... you need to let him find his own recovery. And if you are in a strong place with your OWN recovery - and IF he asks you to be involved with HIS recovery - then perhaps you can share... but the question again - is why on earth would you want to be involved with an addicts recovery? God has granted you the gift of life - this life is only lived once - it is so precious. God did not intend for you to waste your life sitting in the cheap seats - watching some low grade theatrical production on an addict's life....
If you and your BF are truly destined to be together - and many of us here on SR do believe in destiny - then trust in God and trust in this universe... give yourself space and time to educate yourself to addiction... give you BF space to find his own way. Do not be afraid of time apart - for TRULY - if your relationship is meant to be - it will be - even 10 years from now.
But the most important thing to understand is that by chosing to leave - by chosing to focus on yourself - and by understanding the nature of addiction - that you CANNOT love your BF better - that it is OKAY to let go - you will be doing yourself the greatest favour... trust in God - step back... and get on with your OWN life. Your BF is only living half a lilfe. As long as your stay the you too are only living half your life. Two halves in life don't make a whole....And your beautiful little baby needs a WHOLE. A mother who is healthy and happy!!!!! God bless you.