First, a housekeeping item: It's helpful for the reader if you could make some paragraphs in your posts. All the sentences running together make me dIzZy and fall over!
I know what you are feeling and going through, especially with the mornings. For months I woke up every morning crying from the depths of my soul. Have spent the better part of this year on an emotional rollercoaster to Hell. Fortunately, I've jumped off. I've been to Hell already and I don't want to go back there. How did I get off? I learned what I have really been dealing with.
When you stop believing the lies they told. When you stop believing you need that particular person in order to flourish. When you start taking full responsibility for everything you did, and everything that happens to you, and every decision you made and need to make. When you stop taking the blame for what happened and stop blaming others too. when you start looking at his behaviors as HIS and nothing to do with you. When you accept that you are worth every bit of love in the world. When you remember and see your strengths, beauty, and accomplishments very clearly. When you dare to dream again. When you finally see him as a human being separate and distinct from you. You will stop crying.