My al anon sponsor uses AAs big book when working her program.
She often refers me to it when issues come up. It's amazing how much that book helps ME...the codependent.
I've been thinking alot about one passage which says:
"
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutinallly incapable of bieng honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demans rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they ahve the capacity to be honest". Big Book, Chapter 3, How it Works.
I think my exah is 'constitutionally incapable' of being honest with himself.
He just got out of jail following a 60 day sentence. Before he went in, he was drinking everyday...all day...in and out of psychosis... Once he went into jail, he was transferred to the hospital for detox. He's therefore been sober for 60 days...one of his longest stretches ever.
I was hoping that this period of forced sobriety and time for reflection would help him. I hoped he would finally be able to see...with clarity...how alchohol was destroying his health, his life, and every relationship he has. His two children won't even see him or talk to him anymore. His family is done. I am done. He is alone with his disease.
I spoke to him on the phone yesterday about unpaid child support. He sounded sober but I couldn't say for sure. He went on and on about the fact that he isn't an alcoholic. If he wants to sit down and have a few beers some night, he's going to have a few beers. He has a laundry list of how everyone in his life has failed him...But the list doesn't include himself. He's still a victim.
On one hand, I was grateful that I am emotionally and physically removed from him and his disease (although I share a son with him so I'll always have some kind of connection). But I just felt sad that he lives in such denial about his disease. I'm pretty sure that when/if he starts drinking again, it might be the last time.
I've been a witness to the progressive nature of this disease for years. I"ve seen first hand how it robbed my exah of everything and anything that is good...his family, his marriage, his kids, his job, his home, his dignity, his health. It's a relentless disease. And yet, he is unwilling or unable see that he is an alcoholic. He seems to be 'constitutionally incapable of being honest with himself'. This disease is indeed cunning, powerful and baffling!!
The old me would have gone into a litany of all the reasons he is an alcoholic...I would have listed all the rehab stays, all the trips to the mental ward, all the scary things that have happened due to his drinking...in an effort to convince him that he is an alcoholic who needs help/treatment. Now that I have recovery, I knew it was pointless to do any of this.
All I can do is pray for him and leave him to live his life as he sees fit even if that means destroying himself with alcohol.
I'm grateful for my recovery.
I could have releapsed yesterday but I didn't. And I am so grateful.