JanJan

I just hung up the phone with my 22 year old son who has been battling with an oxy / whatever else he can get his hands on addiction for three years. He has failed to complete two stints in rehab and has chosen to repeatedly lie to and steal from his family and friends. He has lived with us (dad, me and two younger brothers) off and on. He was recently asked to leave and I have vowed to stick with the decision. Super hard!!!! He has been 'not here' for over a month and our household has calmed down immensely. I worry so much but it helps to just pour my time and energy into our two younger boys. They deserve that! He just called to ask if he could come over and get some food. He said he is 'tired and hungry'. I put on the 'poker face/voice and said no. I could hear the disappointment in his voice and it feels like a sledgehammer just hit me. I know that I can no longer make his addiction more comfortable for him even if...he is hungry and tired. I have been helping him slowly die with my previous attempts at falling for his tangled webs of deceit and grand stories of why he needs money, etc. My anger and hurtful words to him have not helped either. I am amazed at how brazen yet vulnerable he is with me, his mom, all at the same time I just fear that he will ultimately decide that he has been tired and hungry enough that he gives up on life and ends it himself. I can barely breathe just writing the words. Thanks for listening.