Welcome to the forums BabyJane,
Your story, well at least the one regarding working a program, echoes mine. I also made it 3-6 months before a relapse. And it happened every single bloody time, without fail. I had no concept, whatsoever, of God. I used to pray, but I used to pray that I would win the lottery so I could clear my gambling debts. I was also numb and unhappy. I hated the world and thought it was out to get me, and also that it owed me happiness, it owed me something thats for sure.
Long story short, I ended up in rehab and found my concept of God. I complete 180'd. I changed, everything, my life, my attitudes, my friends, sounds easy when I put it like that but it wasn't. It took a great deal of effort and perseverance to turn away from the things that I knew and loved.
Now just because I say I found God doesn't mean I had a spiritual awakening. I just sat there one day after coming back from rehab and it hit me that within the last 4 months I had risen from the bottom up really bloody quickly. I still build on my own concept of God because something other than me has been helping me recently. I have no idea who or what it is but I know that if I put one step in the right direction I usually get some form of guidance.
You exist because you do. You exist for a reason, you may not know what it is until next week, next month, or in the next ten years but everyone on earth is here for some reason. I don't know what mine is but I am sure I will find out eventually. I can just wish you the best of luck in your journey. These forums are full of support and experience.
Natom.