Originally Posted by
Graceland 
17 Days Sober
I can't talk to my newly sober AH. I can't talk to him at all.
I can't even look at AH.
I came home today after a short business trip. He didn't say a single word to me. Just sat in his office.
I know that he's mad because I got a babysitter and had the kids stay at the neighbor's house. I try to tell myself to let him be angry. That I don't care. But I do care. So, I react to him AGAIN. Even thought I told myself that I wouldn't. I tell him that I don't appreciate the silent anger.
And he says that he's not angry. He's ashamed. He says that he talked to his therapist who said that he would have feelings and that I should let him feel them.
Okay....it might not be anger, but it's still directed at me. And it's still about him. Is there a right and a wrong way to have feelings? I have no idea. If there was a wrong way, though, this would be it.
We argue about it but it's like we're speaking two different languages. I'm saying something normal in my language, but it's a horrible insult in his language. And he says a normal word in his language, which is taboo in mine.
We can't connect in any single way at all. Not at all. It would be so much easier if we were separate, but he won't go and neither will I. So, we're stuck in the same place together and I'm just thinking at him .... leave, leave, leave.
Because honestly, I don't think that either one of us can recover with the other one there.
And I'm just so confused.
Hi Graceland, this is my first post on this website. Your situation is in some ways similar to mine, so I thought I'd share and offer thoughts, advice, frustrations, and questions.
Sounds like you are frustrated and hurt that he didn't acknowledge your return home with a "hi honey, glad you're back.". It's possible he's on complete overload emotionally.
If you think he's mad because you got a sitter and had the kids somewhere else, tell him that and that you understand. Reacting to his emotions won't help you or him.
Yep, he will have feelings and you may not like them, but not much you can do about them. Don't be defensive, hang in there.
My AG (Alcoholic Girlfriend) and I are having troubles communicating. About once, maybe twice a day, for a brief period, we will be able to connect. But so often we just can't talk or communicate. Recently she made it about 4 weeks before drinking, even though it was less than 3 beers, she drank. After that, it was about a week, and she drank again, which was last night. That was about 5 beers.
Recently, she will tell me that she doesn't feel like herself in this new sober state, and that she's changing for me and she shouldn't do that. I instantly know at that point, we won't be able to talk, because then it's she can't do anything right and it's always her fault and I'm ashamed of her and I treat her like a kid and she feels like she's being punished.
I know exactly what you mean about he says something and you don't get it, and you say something and he doesn't get it. It's SO frustrating.
Here's my mantra that seems to be helping me. "I will work on me, and she will work on her." Try taking a step back, letting go of emotion, take a look at yourself, and see what you can do to improve your behavior in all of this. Talk with a friend or pastor. Read a self-help book on a subject related to ANY part of alcoholism, recovery, feelings, anger, etc.
Will your confusion go away soon? Probably not. Will he have a setback every now and then? Possibly. Is there hope for your future, when you are working on you? Absolutely. If you do a random act of kindness for him, will he instantly give a big thank you? Probably not, but that act of kindness will pay dividends for him and for you down the road.
Best of luck to you!