What do I want? Good question.
When I picture 5 years from now, it's hard to imagine that I would get there with AW. It's just such a roller coaster, my trust is pretty much shot (trust that she can stay sober and truthful with me), and she can be high maintenance.
I am relieved to be apart from her, I spent so much time giving her attention and trying to please her, that it drained me. I love being by myself right now, it's such a relief. So even when I picture our happy times, our sober life and travels together, it looks pretty tiring to me.
I have had some good times on my own, travels, friends, and recently an ultra marathon. My life may not be perfect but I'm getting it under control and I have a lot of FREEDOM.
Maybe one thing I am thinking about, if life is OK why not just leave it this way -- but I guess I don't want that, among other things, I am sick of paying for 1/2 of a nice house where I don't live, and really can't afford. So there are some financial incentives to just get this done.
One other thing I was going to mention: I am a Christian and this whole divorce thing feels very uncomfortable as far as what God would want me to do. That side of me just wants to forgive forgive forgive and be patient -- but that has obviously not "worked" as a strategy against AW's drinking, or keeping our marriage on track.
In fact it has been textbook enabling. So who knows.