Janis

So I've been struggling off and on to get sober. A few days here, a day or two there and then it would go back to the way it was. Just letting go and letting myself drink when I wanted to. Granted I never drank in the morning, middle of the night and could get some sober time but it always went back to nightly drinking after work. Speeding home and just not even able to control my anxiety to get there so I could open that bottle of wine. Not wanting to drink it but needing to at the same time. I don't want to get drunk tonight and I would wake up with intentions to do many other things. I would go to work and feel positive that I would be going to the gym after work or finishing my laundry and I would truely intend to until the end of the day when I would start to get that itch and without even wanting to I would be stopping at the store to get the extra large bottle of wine so I didn't run out.

I finally decided that trying to tame this beast on my own isn't working. I need help and coping mechanisms. Will power isn't enough. I still have that small voice in my head ashamed that I couldn't control it. Wanting to convince me that I should be strong enough to do this on my own but I've proven time and time again that I am unable to do this on my own.

This is my first time going to treatment. I told my shrink that I needed help. Simply said I need help to stop. I called the out patient program today and am waiting to hear back from them.

I decided also to tell my roommate who is my best friend and my very close friend S. They both think that I'm overreacting and don't really need the help. That it's not that serious. My roommate more supportive than my friend S. I am honestly surprised at her reaction. She wanted to come to my therapy session with me to talk to my therapist and give her a more accurate idea of the problems going on in my life. That the increase in drinking or perception that I have a problem with alcohol is stemming from outside issues that I'm not dealing with.

Truth of the matter is that no matter what, I know that I drink too much. How bad am I going to let it get before getting help? This might be before the bigger problems happen. The ones you can't ignore like unemployment, DUI or worse. I don't want to get to that place! My whole maternal side of my family were alcoholics. I know that I have the gene. Who else craves alcohol like that? Gets anxiety about getting home for that drink? Obsesses about it? An alcoholic, that's who. I have finally made the realization and am able to say alcoholic rather than problem drinker.

Sorry to ramble but needed to get it out there. This is a huge step for me to start putting myself out there and my problem on display with people that know me.

I'll be on here and keep you posted on my progress.