Ohplanes

Hello, while trying to distract myself from withdrawals I found this website. My only support is my boyfriend who has never even tried opiates, so as much as he cares he doesn't quite understand. In making this post I hope to distract myself for the time being though of course replies are welcome. I have never really talked one on one with someone else who has an opiate addiction (aside from one guy, who isn't currently recovering... which just made me jealous and who didn't care about my situation much). This is probably going to be long and I don't expect anyone to read it.

I am a 22 year old female from Eastern Canada. I have finished high school, attended college for a year and held jobs. I have been an opiate addict for over two years. Almost 3 now?

A few years ago I moved in with my grandmother and grandfather as they lived closer to the college I attended (also my step dad I was living with before that is abusive). My grandmother was/is in good health, but my grandfather was sick and in pain. He was prescribed a fentanyl patch which he changed every 3 days, as well as having two 100 bottles of percocet. I have suffered from depression since I was 14. I started experimenting with drugs such as marijuana, mdma (E), shrooms, DXM, LSA, and various pills. I used mdma a lot one summer (every couple nights, alone in my room) then moved onto DXM which I did almost daily. I finally went to my doctor about depression, as ashamed as I was and was prescribed anti depressants which I then told my family about. When adjusting to my new prescription I decided to look through my grandfathers various pills. I decided to try 2 percocet. I did and I was hooked. I started to take a 3 everyday. I would go to work and think "As soon as I'm done I can go home and get high".

As time passed, the bottle he had for breakthrough pain emptied. My grandparents confronted me. I lied and said a friend must have stolen a bottle (it was really me). When more went missing they knew it was me. I went to the ER for my withdrawals and was prescribed something that knocked me out (it wasn't a benzo though). I slept for almost a week and was clean, I found it rather easy.

Then I decided "Once in awhile won't hurt". By this point my grandfather started to lock the pills up in a case in his dresser drawer. Anyone who has been addicted knows this doesn't stop you. I found the key and snuck some pills each day (even crawled on the floor while he slept to steal them), even though I KNEW he would notice. I couldn't stop.

It got to the point I was taking 17 - 20 percocet a day. Another 200 pills were gone. Needless to say I was homeless for a month. I luckily stayed at a friends for that month, while his father was gone at sea. While I stayed at this friends I fed my addiction with OLD T3's in his closet. I couldn't steal the percs anymore. I researched and realized that the fentanyl patches my grandfather was done with still contained powerful opiates (100 times stronger than morphine). Every three days I would go to my grandparents to "get clothes and see my cat", and dig the old patches out of the garbage. They were disposed of in the wrapper, then I'd rinse them off, cut them up and put a piece in between my gums and cheek. This went on for a few months. I moved back in with my grandparents, they thought I was clean. All was well. I was getting high.

Suddenly, on December 30th, 2012 my grandfather suddenly passed away from a heart attack. He was my father figure my whole life, and my drug connection. My heart was broken, but my first thought was "how will I get high". I STILL feel guilt over this to this day, but at least he died THINKING I was clean.

I knew I could use poppy seeds to get high, so I went right to that. Up until yesterday I have been using poppy seeds (A LOT of them) to get high. I couldn't afford them so I would steal them. I started staying with a guy who would buy me seeds and smokes every day. That's over now.

I now have a boyfriend who things are getting serious with, I want to settle down, finish school and have a family. I REFUSE to steal everyday to get high ANYMORE. I DO NOT want a criminal record.

Saturday, October 20th at noon was the last time that I used. 24 hours after using I start to go through withdrawal. I no longer have medical coverage. It is now 3:40am on Monday, October 22nd. Today I took 4 T1's (Which do NOT get me high at ALL) to help with the pain but I only have 2 left and $0 to buy anything more to help.

I just told my grandmother that I still live with (who is broke) that I need a doctors appointment tomorrow, but that I couldn't tell her what it was for (I don't want my family to know I'm still an addict, since they think I've been clean for awhile now). I don't know if I can get an appt, and if I do whether my doctor (who is kind of a bitch) will prescribe me anything to help withdrawals, and if she DOES if my grandmother will pay for them. I feel awful, and I know it will only get worse. I don't know if I can do it, but I REALLY want to go to a Halloween party with my boyfriend on the 27th... and I'll probably still be sick then.

Anyways that was TLDR, thanks for allowing me to vent.