Are you still drinking now Renaldo? I hope you manage to find a rehab. I was scared to stop drinking, but now I don't know what the fuss was about. I am not belittling the effort it took to get sober by saying that, it's just it is so much better on the other side! There are some things which are a bit tougher sober and it is easy to start spotting stuff it was covering up, but the relief that comes with not systematically killing yourself outweighs all that. It took months for my mindset to change on that though, especially to have 'looking after myself' feel as normal as being self destructive used to. I hope all turns out well for you x