I went back several times, it always ended up in the same place.
Beautiful wonderful days, followed by the agony and realization that alcohol was the wall that could not be overcome.
That his sickness was long term, maybe terminal, that I could not change it, he stacked resentments against me, just in case, in case he needed to justify his bad behavior.
It was incredibly painful for both of us, for far too long. It was only myself that saw it, I saw and denied, it made me miserably unhappy.
I am learning to Love in a different way, a way that makes it possible for me to have some joy, that does not include him, he has no joy, only self hatred, I can't make that go away for him. I am simply an excuse for him to continue to do what he does best, drink.