HopefulRN

OK, I just had my 37th Birthday, I am a married mom of 2 teenage sons, a teenage step daughter and beautiful 4 year old. I am almost finished with nursing school where I graduate with my RN. (2nd career for me! 1st was a social worker, and I know I should completely know better.) I have an alcoholic mother, father & step father, all 3 were also meth addicts. I am the oldest child and the only girl and lead my brothers through a very tumultous childhood to say the least. IN my younger days I was very anti-alcohol, anti drugs, etc. I didn't start drinking regularly until about 8 years ago. I drink beer, 4-7 at least every other day, and sometimes more on weekends. I rarely drink hard alcohol (I get sick.) I started drinking beer, because my new husband is a beer drinker, and unwinds from work that way, and I started drinking with him to "stay connected." I stopped cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant with my 4 year old, and slowly started again after she was born. I have said I was going to quit several times, and usually make it a month or so and give in mostly due to drinking socially with friends, or whoever. I am currently in nursing school, and it is by far the most difficult and stressful thing I have EVER done. The pressure and stress is unbelievable, and hard to deal with. During times of school my drinking is actually more than when I am on break between semesters. My heart has been tugging at me because I know my family history, and the history I have created makes me a predisposed addict, but my education has taught me everything I need to know how bad that is. I feel my alcohol addiction is getting worse because now I am thinking about having a beer at noon, or even craving one at bizarre times (I have not given in to these temptations.) I have a little more than 6 months of school left before I graduate with my RN, so I am definately on the home stretch, but I am battling if now is really the time to quit. I have been 2 days w/o a beer today, and I am feeling super disgusted at myself because I want one so bad, and I have a headache and nausea. I had to have surgery last year (cancer scare) and my doctor has me on Xanax twice daily as needed. I don't take them everyday, but those days are also increasing. I HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH SCHOOL, so if this is the start of withdrawl I cannot do this right now. But I do not want to be an addict. They joke in Nursing school, that you earn your degree, and then they send you to rehab ... I don't really know what I am doing here on this forum, or what I am even asking. But putting it out there makes me feel better. Thanks!