Hello CactusJill,
You are surely a swirl of negative emotions. Jealousy, resentment, guilt, shame, love, fear, and pain. All in what you have written here.
Is that your sobriety date there, May 15 of this year? Last using day of drugs or alcohol? So, about six months?
If so, please allow yourself the gift of getting well over time. I am a codependent, not an addict, so I can't speak to you as someone who knows what it is to be six months sober and struggling with painful emotions, some of which are dark. But I know that many of us here can say that we, too, have had dark feelings, and wished harm on others, and have known jealousy and resentment and feelings of betrayal and fear of abandonment. As codependents we have experienced these feelings directly as a result of being not only in relationship or family with an alcoholic or addict, but also as a result of being traumatized in our earlier lives by painful experiences of abuse or abandonment.
So what I want to share with you is that I hope you will find someone there, a sponsor with plenty of recovery and long life experience, or a counselor, and work this through with that person, do a Fourth Step Inventory, so you can release all this mix of feelings about the dead girl, your boyfriend, and what all this is doing to you.
Not only will it help you find some real self-understanding and self-forgiveness. It will also help you to stay sober. We all hurt. We all want to escape it. But addicts and codependents alike, we have to take responsibility for our issues and face them and talk about them and place our pain and confusion in the hands of our Higher Power to heal us from the devastating effects on us.
God bless the lost young woman who went looking for escape in drugs and men to try to survive whatever pain she was running from. God bless your boyfriend, who continues to be vulnerable to the negative outcomes of addiction and codependency.
And God bless you, as you face all these feelings in you with honesty and, hopefully by grace, come to a better understanding of their true origin.
I, too, in my history, have been jealous, possessive, insecure, angry. I can say that for me it was all the result of an absence of genuine self-worth and self-love, which began for me in childhood abandonment by both parents.
When we feel secure in ourselves spiritually, when we have genuine self-worth and unshakable self-love, we are not so vulnerable to the darker primitive emotions controlling us. They may still come from time to time. But they won't ruin our lives anymore. But finding that kind of center takes work. We have to do our work. Because what it all is really about, is oneself. Not them out there.
I hope you get to a place of peace.