I think you're way to hard on yourself Tesla.
There's brutal honesty and there's masochism, y'know?
Noone's all bad...try thinking of the good things about yourself and your life.
Try focusing on the steps you're taking now...not the missteps you took back then.
I used to feel that way too. I was a ridiculously hard critic on myself.
My addiction loved that. It's not a huge leap from self loathing to 'eff it'
Even tho I was sober, the twisted perspective alcohol gave me over 20 years of drinking took a while to lift and dissipate.
Every day you (and I ) have sober loosens that old hold...and gives us both a fresh chance to do it right this time - and to make amends, where possible.
I was a messed up unit as a drunk.
Now I like who I am, I'm at peace with my past, I've forgiven myself, if not forgotten.
Where you are is not as good as it gets Tesla - it gets WAY WAY better...stick with it
D