Tesla

For the first time in 5 years, sober for more than 2 months (stopped counting days on advice from many) I have had what is commonly referred to as a “moment of clarity” – I am a pitiful excuse for a human. I have been sober on and off for the past 22 years…with stretches of many years of both. I am in the autumn of my life and the other day I realized how shallow and worthless my existence is despite the money and possessions I have accumulated throughout. I have never earned a thing honestly. Since I was a child I have been a malcontented cheat and liar and I have hurt everyone who ever cared about me. Make no mistake, sobriety is a better way to be but I cannot blame alcohol for the way I am deep down. When I take stock and take responsibility it is me. Alcohol made it worse in that it kept me from admitting the truth and it kept me resilient. Now I am defeated. It is okay…I am not headed back to the bottle but I really think it is too late to fix. I will keep going to meetings and I continue to work the program but there is no amount of seeking forgiveness that would ever make me feel like a normal human. I wish the reality had struck me sooner perhaps there would have been a chance back then. Again, I am thankful for the program and clarity of being sober.