renaldo

Hello all,

First off, thanks for all your kind feedback. I've been to a number of AA meetings - some voluntarily and some by court order for DUI. I like talking to people before and after meetings, I like how friendly, open, and honest they are, and I like when they talk in the meetings from their personal experience. It makes me feel less like a misfit.

However, 2 things bug me:

1) The repetition! I've heard the rules and some quotes from the Big Book so many times that I don't feel like I can get any more out of them. It takes up half the meeting before people even get around to talking like fellow travelers rather than cultists clinging desperately to someone else's words.

I read around through the Big Book when I first bought it. Then I read it from cover to cover. Then at people's suggestions I read it from cover to cover again. I've never even read the Bible from cover to cover once. Are Bill W. and the other writers supposed to be prophets?

People have said, "read it again." Good Lord! How many times do I have to read and hear it read aloud? I met one guy who said he'd read it 500 times.

2) The higher power thing and the "powerlessness" motif. Being raised in a Southern Baptist household, this leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. I know I'm an alkie, but do I have to forever be suckling at the teat of a doctrine... "turn it over," "let go, let God," etc.

I know they say, "take what you need and leave the rest," it's just that all the slogans bug me.

That being said, I am grateful for all the people who have helped me in AA... talking to me on the phone, sharing from their personal experience, giving me rides to meetings, etc.

I've been to one LifeRing meeting and one Smart Recovery meeting. I liked their approach, but I didn't feel as much camaraderie and they seemed to not have the emotional content that is there when people talk about their personal experiences at AA. For example, one speaker at AA said he was really nervous about going to his first meeting because they might find out he was an alcoholic. Everybody cracked up with the irony of that statement.

I know there are other secular meetings listed on this website. I'll have to check it out, but I know AA has the most meetings. I'm calling around today to check out affordable and comprehensive rehab places. I need medical attention as well as meetings. Perhaps brain scans to make absolutely sure that the 3 seizures I've had are due to alcohol consumption without eating and alcohol withdrawal, or if I may be developing epilepsy or some other condition. And I'm probably going to need some non-habit forming medications to quell the Jones and help me sleep.

Anyone have any recommendations for facilities in the Santa Rosa, Rohnert Park, Penngrove, or Petaluma, CA area? I probably need an inpatient program, but I don't have much money. I guess anywhere in Sonoma or Marin County would be OK if I don't have to drive back and forth there every day. Perhaps the Mary Isaac House in Petaluma has something. Last time I called them to see if I could live there if I got really down on my luck, they had a 6 month waiting list.

I didn't have the deathly fear of attending my first AA meeting as another poster on this forum does or an outright refusal to check AA out, but I do have a justified fear of having another seizure. This last one screwed me up big time and 4 days after the fact it's still limiting my mobility. I also have a fear that this time I'm really going to have to say goodbye to beer forever. "Forever" is such a scary word.

My parents are going to help me with the expense of the rehab and I've failed them several times before - slowly starting drinking again after a break until I getting up to the point of having health problems. I don't want to be disrespectful of their kind offering.

I know plenty of you have gone through similar things, so even if you don't have a specific recommendation, just hearing your story will help me out. Thanks very much.