ula, heres my take on it: you are already in a relapse. it will end with a drink if you let it happen.i am sure you know the outcome wont be good. you are suffereing from the craving, compulsion, and obsession. that is the disease of alcoholism telling you you dont have a disease, everythings allright, have that drink. it is a liar.
please dont let it control you. if you fight it, things will get better, but it takes footwork.
yer not pathetic! you are just sick.