Doug

In my family of origin, I hated how my father treated us - "like dirt" was the phrase that used to come to mind. He was the perpetrator and my mother was the self sacrificing martyr victim. I did not want to be anything like my father so I ended up becoming like my mother - being a victim martyr with no boundaries because of my fear of confrontation and abandonment.

In the relationship in the early 90s, I realized that my wounding caused me to feel like a perpetrator if I set a boundary in an intimate relationship - the very thing I promised myself I would never do, be like my father. In that relationship I learned how to fight. How to stand up for myself and know that a fight didn't mean the end of the relationship. I had to work at it - telling my inner children that it was okay to say no and set boundaries, that it was okay to be angry and express it. It did take a lot of work to overcome that programming. I sometimes liken the experience to someone who has spoken in a real quiet voice all their life - when they start speaking in a normal voice it feels to them like they are yelling. Someone who has been a people pleaser to avoid confrontation in intimate relationships like I was, will feel like they are being abusive when they start standing up for themselves and owning their anger.

In the relationship in the early 90s, the person I was involved with was wounded in such a way that she had a gatekeeper that was vicious and mean. She didn't observe "fair fighting" rules. One of those rules is that you never say the really mean, cruel, soul wounding types of things that cannot be taken back. The really vicious attacks on the other persons being or body or masculinity /femininity or whatever. She would lash out viciously when she felt scared and cornered.

I was able to hang in there and learn to fight with her, without saying those kinds of things back to her. Something I was really grateful for - both that I didn't get abusive in that way, and that I learned that it was okay to get angry and fight. It was very important in my recovery to realize that emotional intimacy includes anger. That the message that I learned from my mother - that it was not okay to be angry at someone I love - was a false message. Avoiding conflict denies intimacy - we cannot be emotionally intimate with someone we can't be angry at. Conflict is an inherent part of relationships - and working through issues is how intimacy grows. Conflict is part of the fertilizer that is necessary for the growth of emotional intimacy. A relationship with no conflict is an emotionally dishonest relationship - and the other extreme of the codependent spectrum from relationships that have constant conflict. Both are unhealthy.