Doug

The relationship in the early 90s lasted 2 years and was an invaluable learning experience. It was in that relationship that I learned how to fight. The combination of not doing relationships that lasted any length of time with my patterns in regard to relationships had resulted in me not ever really having had the experience of arguing and fighting with a partner in a relationship.

As I mentioned in the May column: "The extremes I learned in childhood were completely unavailable (my father) and completely enmeshed (my mother.)" If I was interacting with a woman who was somewhat available my fear of enmeshment would come up and I would run away. The only kind of women that I could get involved with had to be emotionally unavailable enough that I would feel deprived and abused - because that was what my codependency was comfortable with. The deprivation would cause me to passive aggressively (because I was programmed in childhood to manipulate since it was not okay to communicate directly and honestly and have boundaries or needs) push to get my needs met, which would result in the woman becoming critical and shaming as some point. That is when I really knew I was "in love" with her because she was treating me in the way I felt I deserved to be treated.

This is really sick stuff, these codependent relationship patterns. I realized as I was writing this, that the relationships where I was "in love" with an unavailable woman were relationships that I ran away from in a passive sense. What I mean by that is, I would set it up so they rejected / threw me away - self fulfilling prophecy - so I wouldn't have the responsibility of ending the relationship. Pretty fool proof way of staying out of relationships.

The toxic shame at the core of my codependency caused me to have major issues about receiving. No matter how much consciously I wanted positive validation and love from other people, I could not accept it when I got it because deep down inside I didn't feel I deserved it - and it did not feel comfortable or familiar. In one the Update Newsletter for my web site I described this in a way I like, as part of a discussion about learning to be open to positive validation and love from others.

"My resistance to opening up to receive Love would cause me to minimize positive feedback by telling myself that the other person wanted something from me, or was just being kind, or whatever. I spent several years in recovery practicing saying just plain "Thank You." Instead of minimizing (oh it was nothing), joking it away, turning it back on them (oh you are really the one who ___), or dismissing it because I suspected the other persons motives or mental health. The feeling deep within was that if someone was loving and positive towards me, it was either a sinister plot or there must be something wrong with them." - Joy2MeU Update October 2002