Doug

Mythologically there are both positive and negative usage's of the term Gatekeeper - but in my use, in reference to codependency and fear of intimacy, I think of it as a negative term. In fact, I used to think of the Gatekeeper as some kind of elemental, primal, reptilian presence that emerged from the primordial swamp of the collective unconscious to strike terror into my heart. It was my Gatekeeper that caused me to have the relationship phobia that I described in my May column here. My issues around opening up my heart went way beyond fear - terror of intimacy was the much more accurate term I often used.

That is why it was such a monumental / transformational shift for me earlier this year of 2004, to be able to get past my terror of intimacy and Truly open my heart to myself - and another human being. That of course, doesn't mean my Gatekeeper went away completely - although I easily slipped back into wanting to believe that, because it is easier to see things as black and white and to think that the other person's gatekeeper is the problem because I am past all of that (this is called denial.)

I used to always associate the term - in my negative image of it as being behavior that certain codependents exhibited (not a nice guy like me of course;-) - with the type of defense that caused a person to strike out in a venomous manner. This was related to how my father raged - and the programming that resulted from that verbal abuse. I realized at a certain point in my recovery that I had a pattern in my life of having at least one person in my life who was very critical and shaming. This would usually be some kind of pseudo authority figure - acting teacher, coach, boss/supervisor, older roommate, etc. Having someone in my life that was very critical and shaming was comfortable for me (on an unconscious codependent level) because it was familiar from childhood.

That pattern didn't really manifest itself for me in relationships until I got healthy enough to get past my relationship phobia so that I could get into a relationship. Really! I had to get healthy enough to get into a relationship before the person in the relationship could become that abusive "authority figure." I got into a relationship in the early 90s when I was 7 years sober - and it was the first time I had lived with a woman in a relationship (as opposed to as a roommate) in over 15 years. The only other time I had lived with a woman was the result of a drug and alcohol induced marriage in my early 20s that lasted for a year.