thanks red! yes my guy numbered ummm...well over 2000...if that can be believed... in about a 10 year period in his swashbuckling heyday! LOL! amazingly i was undaunted by this seeming stupendous feat. :-) : i rather imagined someone with unlimited access could double or quadruple this figure, i mean, hey, TRY HARDER! LOL!
however i did also wonder, and ask, if perhaps the ex hadnt just worn it out/ off, or was just 'over it' in general. he thought perhaps he was! :-) but that really wasnt the truth. there is sex and there is sex. i imagine the quality and quantity were likely in inverse ratio. god knows.
what was sad was that he stood on one side of an abyss, longing for connection, unable to span the gulf, like a person with his hands cut off. it made me terribly sad to see it. he would hold me, and even then there was some huge gulf. i could feel it.
There were also some rather hair raising experiences. one night, we were asleep, he was touching my shoulder. suddenly something kind of 'took over', roared 'NO!" and tore his hand away. it wasnt HIM. it was i believe "the addiction". its aspect was like a huge and angry, MONSTROUS parent.
it DOES NOT WANT anyone near the addict who threatens it.
it KNOWS it does not have power over CONSCIOUSNESS. it KNOWS IT. and it wants anyone who knows that AWAY FROM THE ADDICT.
yes, it showed its face. and it's not unlike ALIEN. and i do believe it tries to implant in those around the addict if at all possible. and if it cant, it wants you GONE.
but in actuality it does NOT have power....and it KNOWS it. and it knows when YOU know it.
it has managed to convince the addict it has power, though, and that is its ONLY power.
the same night, i had my hand on his chest, and once again, it wrenched my hand off and flung me back. strangely i was not 'afraid' per se. it was not 'him'. it was 'IT'.
the thing is, i got to see it face to face. it showed itself, and 'IT' had a look at me.
in a way, i beleive he trusted me enough to let me 'see' it.
'it' is coiled around the so largely unconscious addict like an anaconda. once in a while it lets the addict come up for air, then drags him or her under again. it is an energetic form, a parasite. i can see that 'IT" and him are locked, really in a life and death struggle. it is so exhausting for him. but he has to see that it actually has no existence except in the grip it has on his mind and consciousness. the body is another aspect in that it strangles the body by degrees. anyway, i know what he battles, night and day. ive 'seen' it.
when all of this was happening , i did not understand my guy was NOT IN RECOVERY!! i didnt know ANYTHING about addiction. ive only learnt that here on SR. i though he was depressed, grief stricken, physically sick. i didnt know WHY.
the penny has only dropped after the fact.
he said what he was suffering was due to a previous bad relationship- ye now i know, red flag. but didnt know then.
and he is in denial, i realise.
I realise i can not make him 'know' this. i prayed for him every night and day, and when he was deep in the hole, i got him to pray for himself. i knew it was going to do everything to push me away. it considers him to be 'its' child, 'its' property. its not going to give up without an enourmus battle, and as the fight contines i belive the abilty of the addict to mentally, physicall emotionally withstand it dimishes. the end is too tragic, and do downright INANE and STUPID to contemplate.
BTW, I'm not a 'religious' person. in case the above makes it look that way. this is just what appeared to me, quite clearly in my experience with my ex BF.
anyway, ive gotten off the track a bit here, but as this stuff comes to light, i want to share it for what it's worth. it's been a bewildering ride. and id like to see my guy, and others come out of the dark dream. wake up. its' not YOU. and it has no power, only what you give it. so KICK ITS ARSE. signing off...RIPLEY.