Day 17
i want to clarify for those of you going through this that may be...frightened by how bad it got for me. First of all I didn't taper. Second I already had anxiety and depression before starting this. Not bad but present and of course everything was amplified due to the shock and no sleep.
So did I have some terrible days? Yes. Like everyone says it probably wasn't as bad as I THOUGHT it was a the time, but relativity is a bitch like that. Because even though I got through those terrible days, a week later when I'm not feeling 100% i find myself thinking "God I feel bad" then I remember how bad I felt before and ponder why the hell I can't be complacent for even a moment.
That's the rub though. Complacency or lack thereof. When readjusting to the normal world your body will NOT allow you to become complacent for hardly a moment. THAT is what makes this a grueling process. The lack of breaks from the agony. It's not really THAT bad but you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel so it feels like forever.
Of course I will say that now that I am feeling much better now it's easy for me to say these things. We forget pain rather quickly. Women would NEVER endure child birth more than once if they didn't forget the pain and remember the joys that it brought. i equate our scenario to something like that. Maybe that's why people relapse. I've been thinking the whole time "Why would anyone go through this more than once?" But I suppose to someone who really loved the high they will forget the pain and remember the "joy" it brought. I'm just glad I was physically dependent and not mentally so much. I haven't thought about a pill in 5 years, not even through this hell, so I don't fear relapse.
For those of you on day 10+ still feeling bad I'll bet my wallet you still aren't sleeping. I don't mean normal sleep, that won't come for some time. I mean dreaming. Even if you only nod off for an hour at a time that's ok. I hadn't really slept in weeks and the only time I did was when I took vistaril at like day 8 or so. But I HATED how tired I felt all day because of it after waking up from it.But out of desperation, and after taking xanax, ativan, ambine, etc with no help I decided to go back to the only thing that really helped. Vistaril. I was just taking too much. I have 25mg and was taking the whole thing. It was hammering me. I take a 1/4 in the morning and either 1/4 or 1/2 late in the evening depending on if my stomach is full.
I want to make something clear. I didn't just take the Vistaril for sleep. I took it to kick the anxiety and depression. Once I was able to hold those symptoms at bay for a day that night I actually slept decent and had extended dreams. So do yourself a favor, start taking Vistaril at day 3 when the subs are gone and you start true WD. Take it in the morning and in the evening. Give it time to get in your system. I'm having to deal with that tired limb feeling from anti-histamines (Which is all Vistaril is with a little kick) when I should be nearly normal. If I stuck with the medicine early on my body would already be used to that feeling and I could be doing more.
On the subject of dreams I will say this, on Subs my dreams were weird as hell. Abstract even. I hardly remembered them but when I did I would wake up and think...WTF. I mean whacky abstract. Like riding a tricycle through the white house lawn but you only KNOW it's the white house lawn, it looks like your neighbors yard from when you were 7. But now that I am sleeping again my dreams are much more...tangible I guess would be a better word? They make sense and follow a logical order of events. (Well as much as normal dreams can) On subs they felt so far away in my psyche, out of touch, but now they feel like they are where they are supposed to be.
For anyone who as read my previous posts and felt scared and afraid, I'm sorry. I know that I NEEDED to put those words down when I did and I don't regret laying myself out for examination, but I do regret knowing that I may have taken away someone's hope. So understand you CAN avoid how I felt, don't quit cold turkey, take vistaril or whatever works for YOUR anxiety, and don't try to tough it out. I waited too long to start taking meds cause I wanted to have a clear head. Turns out even with no meds my head wasn't that clear. Anxiety saw to that as well as depression.
I could go on and on if I don't stop, as if you can't tell, but it just feels so good to be on the mend you want to articulate the feeling, to put it out there to touch and feel and to remind you of what was and will be. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to be ready to see it. It won't come to you, you have to find it.