...and she has asked you not to contact her.
Don't contact her. Are you going to Alanon? If not, for your own happiness please start. Your post made me think of many questions I'm going to share with you for you to consider. I don't need you to answer them here, I just want you to consider them in your head. If you do want to answer them here, please consider them for awhile before actually posting.
- Why is this difficult for you when she already told you not to contact her-- how on earth is this confusing?
- Why do you think that because you would want to know something like this that she also would want to know so much it justifies ignoring her boundary?
- Are you unable to respect boundaries?
- Why do you feel the need to contact her?
- What are you doing to understand your role in what happened?
- Do you just want to tell her to passive aggressively evoke some kind or response?
- If you haven't yet gone to an Alanon meeting, why not?
If you don't go to Alanon please start. It will make your life better, especially if you are facing a battle with cancer. IMHO, it's just as good for diseases as it is for alcoholic wives (they have a lot in common-- A LOT). As for your ex, she's your ex. She soon won't be your wife anymore-- she's a chapter in your life. Learn from it, or replace her with another just like her.
Cyranoak