Florence,
I think I hold a ticket for myself and my kids at the same "not so amusing" amusement park. I would really like off this ride now!
You can do it, it feels like you don't have a choice but you make the choice daily by getting up and moving forward.
You want to feel better? Make your kids laugh. That is what works for me. Talk to them and ask them what they want to do and do it with them. Sometimes my kids want nothing more than to have me sit with them and watch Scooby Doo. Do it and try to be really in the moment. Watch their faces doing what ever it is they asked you to do with them. I don't know about you, but my kids were the real reason I left. Watch them and remember why you made the choices you made and that they were the right choices.
I understand how you feel. I keep getting blow after blow from the ex. My head doesn't feel like it can take it anymore. And you have to keep going home and smiling and making it OK for your kids. I believe that one day we will get the lives we are hoping for, we just have to keep going through the "funhouse" and we will finally come out the other side.
Thinking of you,
4MyBoys