Originally Posted by
Lulu39 
And there is my experience right there and also your answer.
It's all about him.
With his bottle in between the two of you, there is no room for you at all.
His bottle takes up almost all of the space.
My experience also, but my AH was (and is) like that when he's dry/sober. He was actually a passive drunk but when he was dry for 15 years, it was all about him. He could watch a news story about a murder in a city 2500 miles away and somehow be able to tie it himself because in some way he was being punished by the government for their lack of inefficiency or the police pensions were eating up all his money or the welfare folks were stealing from him. And, somehow all these things tied into this story and affected him negatively in some way. It is baffling, but it's not the same story for everyone and all alcoholics are different.
My dad was an alcoholic and even though he felt sorry for himself and was emotionally unavailable, he wasn't as mean as my AH can be when sober. My dad was just loud and embarrassing. So, I don't want you to think that ALL A's are the same, I just know that I've had similar experiences to yours.
The question is: what are you doing for you, right now? Are you reading books on codependency, spending time with friends, going to Al Anon, taking up a new hobby? There are so many things we can do for US, it really does help us to take the focus off the A and worry about ourselves. One thing I say to myself when my A gets crazy and weird with his behavior or words and I feel defensive, I remind myself to QTIP(quit taking it personally). It's a disease of the mind, too, and I have to remind myself that he is what he is and I can't change that and I can choose to NOT take what he says personally. Now, it doesn't always work but at least I'm making an attempt to mentally redirect myself when I get hurt by his words. Keep coming back!