Tena,
The psychologist I've been seeing sucks! I'm seriously depressed right now and feeling very lonely and unlovable. Everything is getting worse. Thoughts of suicide come into my head everyday, several times a day now. Sometimes everything just feels like too much for me to handle. I'm scared of my own thoughts. I'm scared of never being healthy again. I hate how hard I'm struggling b/c I don't deserve this and I am doing everything I can to try and fix myself.
I was reading a book on bipolar a couple days ago and finally was able to put a name on one of my illnesses that I have known I've struggled with since the 5th grade. I've kept it hidden b/c of my own shame and not understanding it. I'm 28 now and only until the last 3 months, there was only one person who knew about it (my ex-fiance who lived w/ me for several years).
It is called SIB or self-injurious behavior. It's self-mutilation by scratching and such. Very much like cutting which is also SIB. It is a stress relieving and anxiety induced act that I have never been able to stop myself from.
I'm making myself crazy in thinking about how crazy I am. I'm ashamed to even leave my home right now, most of the time. I don't know how to handle all this mental health crap and so much loneliness from the loss of my love, Brett, (and my dreams of a fairy tale future with him). I know it could never be a happy situation for me to ever be in again with him, but when I was with him, I felt truely loved for the first time in my entire life. I built up so many ideas and fantasies and loved him so deeply; and then I had to push him out of my life and I am still struggling to keep him at a distance during this weakest time in my life. I'm grieving the loss of him. I've also been remembering the good things about my ex-fiance too. And now a year later, I've realized how much I hurt him and how much of our problems I blamed on him - when often I was to blame. AND there is this guy who had claimed me as his best friend since we met in January. Now he will barely even say 2 words to me in an e-mail or if I pass him somewhere in my day. We use to talk for hours. We use to go out and eat and watch movies and just hang out all the time. It was the perfect kind of friendship for me b/c we felt comfortable enough with each other to cuddle up on the couch for a movie, but neither of us wanted anything more. See I'm not a huggy/touchy/feely kinda person with my family and friends, even my parents or my sister. For example, one of my co-workers and sweetest friends walked up behind me the other day and gave me a shoulder massage. Instead of relaxing me, it made me very, very tense. My shoulder muscles were actually sore from this quick and friendly touch. The only time I feel comfort in a hug or a caring touch of any kind is if it is with a guy who I know well. In the past, those people have always and only been my boyfriend or a boy I wanted to be my boyfriend. This was the first time I felt comfortable enough to hug a man who I was not looking to date and vice versa. I don't understand why he is acting as he is now. I miss his friendship a great deal. And my best friend from work has not wanted to talk to me like we use to either. And my catfish died and my cousin is suicidal too and my mom's dog died. And I can't pay most of my bills and my car insurance lapsed this week and my tag is past due by 2 months and I still don't have any heat in my house and the weather is suppose to get really bad in a couple of days. And of course, there's the whole work thing. And that with all the recent realizations about my own behavior in cases where I had thought the other person was completely to blame. I'm having to accept my part in everything as I learn more about my illnesses and it hurts to realize how much I have been responsible for hurting people.
I desperately need to feel loved right now!! But the only person that could make me feel that way is also the person who doesn't know how not to rip my heart out after a night of drinking.
I've prayed and prayed and trusted and handed everything over to God each day and knew that I would be taken care of.....and for it all, I dont' understand why I am in so much pain. The desire to curl up in the arms of a caring person and be comforted right now while I'm crying my eyes out is so strong, but I have no one.
Unloved I am and unloved I feel. I don't know how much longer I can keep myself away from the destructive kind of men I always find brief comforts in.
Brett didn't love me, but he made me FEEL loved (and still does).
Shawn (my ex-fiance) LOVED me, but didn't make me feel loved.
Aren't people who are poor in money suppose to be rich in love?
I'm not loveable. Why am I not? I love others deeply? Don't I deserve at least a small fraction in return?
Hopefully, I'll feel better in the morning or hopefully the treatment starting on monday will help a little. I will write and let everyone know how it goes.