I was in the position where I had to choose betwen two men. I was in a relationship with one, but my ex wanted me to come back and get married and have kids.
At the time my partner was going through some really bad upheaval and his son was moving abroad with his ex partner.
He thought his world had ended.
I could not leave him. I was not 100% sure I wanted to leave or stay. My ex was offering me everything I had ever wanted from him. I had loved him so much. He had never really had time of day for me in the early days, but I put that down to us being very young.
He came back when I was in my thirties. The time my drinking really took off.
I couldn't cope with all the pleading and begging and tears from him for us to get back together combined with the thoughts from my current partner that his son was being taken. He needed me too.
I drank it away.
I avoided conversations with the ex I should have had.
I avoided conversations with my partner I should have had.
I acted like a coward. A complete coward.
I could not be honest with either or myself.
It was easier to drown in a vat of vodka. Stick my head in a bottle of wine.
I hurt him. I moved away without telling my ex. Refused to answer his calls. His mother told a mutual friend I broke his heart.
In truth he broke my heart years earlier.
Revenge came around though for me. I was truly punished for being a coward.
It turned out my partner had his 'prodigal' son and wanted no more children.
I always wanted children.
If he had been honest with me, I would have left him. I did not love him enough to make the choice not to have children and stay with him.
He is heavily in debt. He has taken thousands of pounds of my money and has no way of paying it back.
He cannnot support me and my daughter. I have to put her in nursery full time and pay for it so that i can wotk full time to pay my half of the mortgage and bills.
He had an affair when I was 8 months pregnant and left me to live with another woman when my daughter was 3 months old. He came back when she about 7 months old.
My babies first christmas, he told me he 'loved me but was not in love with me'.
I spend my first mothers day alone.
All the milestones were celebrated on my own.
I live an hours drive form my parents, my daughters grandparents as he wanted to move nearer to work.
In 2011 he spent zero days of his annual leave with me.
I am lonely. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. But I crave a loving relationship.
I want someone to cuddle me, spoil me, take care of me.
It also makes me sad that I will never have another child. My daughter will be an only child.
But I cannot have two children and work full time and get by with no help.
It makes me sad that my only pregnancy was frought with worries about work (company was in a real bad place and jobs were at risk), where he was and what he was doing and my ill health.
It turned out my placenta stopped working when after 20 weeks. I should have had blood transfusions but my ill health was never picked up by my midwife and I bled every single day. I was so anaemic that I could not climb stairs. I wrked to 2 weeks before the birth, he was never kind enough or concerned to say 'enough - our baby is more important than your work and the relentless pressure you are under'.
My daughter was born weighing four pounds. She was full term. She never received the nourishment she needed and was skin and bones.
Some days when I was on my own, and he lived with his new 'lady' I thought I was going to die of tiredness. She would only breastfeed, refused a bottle point blank and sometimes fed every half an hour in the night.
I cannot 'pop' round to my mums with my daughter. My mum and dad are the best grandparents bar none and he was going to deny them the chance to be grandparents.
The last time his mother visited was christmas. She is not trusted by her son and daughter to look after the grandchildren (her 2 sons and my daughter) as they seem to lack those skills and a dangerous situation occured when an arm was broken of one of the boys and they negelected to take him to hospital. We had to take him when the pain became unbearble.
We have not heard from them since July.
My ex?
He is married with a daughter who he adores and desperately wanted.
He supports his family.
His parents are awesome!
I cannot help but think that I am being punished for being a drunken coward with the dogs life that I lead now.
I still dream about him.
Sometimes in my dreams he talks to me and says he loves me.
Other times he (like this morning) he won't talk to me, walks straight past.
It's over eight years since this happened and it still hurts so, so much.
The hurst from the realisation that your partner did not want a child with you is indescribable.
The hurt that he never wanted to marry you is staggering.
The lies about money and debt make me worry constantly about my future and my daughters, especially as I save very litle as I am crippled by mortgage and nursery payments.
Yes I am crying now. Yes I hope in tonights dream he speaks to me. Yes I have been truly punished I think.
I wish you the best
xxxx