My decision to divorce was a case of "more will be revealed." I knew when I knew and not a moment before.
Take what I say with a grain of salt. Relationships should be about balance, and I struggle to find this balance not only in my intimate relationships...but in friendships and with family also.
I have to preface this with that I am in recovery for an eating disorder and for a long time struggled to make good decisions for myself around food, and continue to struggle around self care which can include food.
I told my boyfriend who became my husband at four months (or less of knowing each other) that I was working my recovery for this, and that my recovery would also have to be my top priority. This stayed true for the two years we dated, and for our entire marriage of five years. This included regular counseling, group counseling at times, body work etc. Most of my disposable income for a time was going towards this support. When I realized alcohol problems were a part of my relationship (two weeks into the marriage) in many ways I blamed myself, and I kept saying to myself....well there was a time that I would have eaten/not eaten over the same thing. I kept saying that once I got myself "fixed" I would work on the relationship....not understanding that there was two being in the relationship.
There was a HUGE difference though. My disorder was not the elephant in the room that was not talked about. I acknowledged my disorder, and though I continue to be far from perfect in my recovery was actively seeking recovery and actively putting energy toward recovery. I was making progress.
I struggled for years about the decision to seperate. I also was raised in a pro-marriage environment and felt that I might let a lot of people down with my divorce, especially myself.
I was trying to control myself in the relationship (which is fair), but I was also trying to control him, his recovery and thus our relationship. That is not mine to control. In essence I was attempting to "control" his sickness....which I have no control over. I was also trying to do recovery for both of us, which is not possible either.
I love the marriage not suicide pact, but also really love the "Let go or be dragged," statement that I have heard on here. I did not know how to let go in any other way but to divorce at the end, and I continue to realize daily that if I had not let go I probably would have ended up in a situation that I might not have been able to get out of.
After seperating I finally was able to put myself and my needs in a relationship first...instead of deferring to him, and his needs.
Until I know that I can obtain a balance of needs and a give and take in a relationship I have no business being in one. I am working on a friendship relationship right now that continues to be out of wack around this....
The best things I did do around this was give myself time to decide. The decision for me came in a split second and I have not looked back on it. So much has fallen into place from that decision but I could not have made it before. Thinking and talking about it helped, but when I knew I knew.
Thanks for all the posts. This is a good topic covering a lot of vantage points.