Last year was pure hell dealing with my addict. Abandoned us, I was hurting, paid nothing, had another woman, visits to our son very random. I was angry and devistated. Then, he went away this summer. My dream came true. He was MIA. But, during this time I was depressed. How could he do this to his son? Well, he came back non apologetic and entitled. My son was happy to see him. The lesson I learned is that random visits are better for my son then no visits. So, I'm good.
I just didn't want to go back to the same old ******** of last year....fight, anxiety, anger, guilt, sadness...every other week. It seemed like every 2 weeks it was something. I made a vow to myself that this year will be different. That I have to let him go even further. I can't let his anger bother me. I can't let his snarky comments bother me. He made his bed. I have bent over. So, last week he cancelled last minute..."stomach flu". Has seen his child 1 time since may. I just rolled my eyes and emailed "hope you feel better and no I wil no reschedule" this week he made supervised visitation. I had work to do, and worked quietly while they played. My son was happy, I was happy. And, it was nice to get some work done. It was obvious he is still angry with me...3 snarky comments. I ignored. Why? Why can't he just leave me alone and play with our son? He did drugs. He abandoned us. He defaulted. He can't seem to consistantly see his son. He has no parently involvement with his son. He has no idea the life we lead...and this is because of his choices. So why in the hell is he so angry with me. I won't respond. I ignored. I'm not really even that upset by it. I'm just trying to understand and move on. It just seems the world revolves around this man. He is just so entitled.
I just wonder when his little house will fall. How long can he go on pretending that he is father of the year and doesn't do drugs. It has been a little over a year and still, nothing has changed. Its annoying. He is still with the same *****. Same house. Same "business". It makes me wonder how long he did coke in our relationship before it exploded on him. For my son, I wish he would hit bottom. Its like the denial and pretending just drives me crazy. How long can this really last? He has surrounded himself with people who have mon3y, so I think that slows the explosion. This is horrible to say, but I feel as though he has destroyed our family and walked away saying "I've never been happier" meanwhile, my son has a broken heart and he left us to starve. I feel like he needs to fall. Again, horrible thinking. But, I'm still angry with him. The more realization hits me the more I realize what he did to his family was horrific. And he refuses to accept responsibility or do the right thing...therefore, I can't forgive him. The anger gets less and less. But, I can't forget. He has done nothing to prove his trust. But, he is angry at me? For what? Because I told him off and he can't stand to hear it? Like I should just sit there with my legs crossed and do everything he wants with no fight. Its the insanity of addiction.
Anyways, just processing. Just rambling. I'm really in a good place. Getting better and better and smarter and smarter.
I'm dealing and healing. It's just so sad it has to be this way. I have said this a million times, but I will never understand how you can do this to your family. I will never understand his anger to me. It is just baffling. I do hope he gets better, but I don't see that in his future. I see him alone or dead. Exactly like his alcholic father.