I realize this whole post is triggering me big time.
And I think I know why.
I have met so many people here, and in Al-Anon, who are struggling with exactly this -- but from the other side, struggling with giving themselves permission to leave.
My biggest struggle was about whether I had the right to leave. I wanted to leave for 18 years before I did. Because I didn't think I had the right. Because I had made those vows. And the people I talked to about it patted me on the back and said, "it can't be as bad as you think" which made me think that maybe it wasn't. And in the end, I left because my life and my children's were threatened. Until then, I could not give myself permission.
So to me, the suggestion that "maybe we're not doing enough, maybe we're taking the easy way out when we're leaving an addict" gets my hackles up. Because it seems to me it adds to an existing burden -- just like my pastor's well-intended advice did to mine.