I have a few thoughts . . . I wonder how easy it is to live with each of our sh*t? How easy has it been for my husband to live with mine? I wouldn't say it's been easy and he has stuck right by my side. Maybe I have a more remarkable husband than most, who happens to have a disease? But I doubt it. At the worst of it I could match story for story and probably exceed them. I chose to keep supporting him towards his recovery, even though I needed a time-out. I'm glad that I did. I am one person who truly knows and believes that this is an illness. My boundary though is, after sufficient time went by for him and I to absorb the fact that this is a disease and to educate ourselves, he must be getting some kind of treatment. Which treatment he chooses is up to him. But that also has fully applied to me as well. I take full responsibility for my own growth, my own therapy, my own flaws.
People ask why does an alcoholic lie? Well, HELLO. They're physically addicted to a substance and we've screamed, and yelled and threatened them that if they do it again - we're gone. Along with kids, house, income and all the rest. Why would they tell the truth????
And this -
Would you leave if spouse had cancer?
I would if he kept going to the store to buy more cancer.
How many people here to go the store to buy cigarettes? How many people go to the store to by crummy, unhealthy food and feed it to themselves and their kids? How many people drink diet sodas? How many people eat junk food? How many people are over weight? How many people eat too many animal products? How many people take and buy at the pharmacy too many prescription drugs? How many people don't get sufficient exercise? The list goes on . . .
All of these actions are cancer triggers. Let's not be self-righteous here.
I have a friend whose husband has clinical depression and it's a total slice of hell. Is she staying - yes. I have another friend whose wife, my best friend, is dying from brain cancer. Is he staying, is it HELL - yes. Nobody could drag him away from her. She's smoked pot almost her entire life, new theories say that pot can trigger brain cancer. He's a doctor, he knows that, he loves her - he's there for her.
I have friends whose spouse has one kind of addiction or another, they've worked through them and have long successful marriages. Do we hear from those people on these types of boards? No. Mostly I think you hear more from people who are in crisis. I was here 6-7 years ago at the height of mine. When my relationship stabilized I never came back here, I didn't need it. A relapse brought me here. I don't think we're hearing from many people who are working through these issues.
Are there reasons to leave? You bet there are. For me, I have my boundaries, and I stick to them. But in the end, this man that I married 24 years ago is my husband. As long as we are both working on ourselves, trying to be better people, and yes even when struggling - especially when struggling - I'm here.
Will the day come that I walk about? Who knows? I don't say never. With a divorce rate in this country of over 50%, people are leaving in droves for thousands of reasons. I live it one day at a time.
I don't expect much support here on this forum for my views and I get that. I've had other married people here privately message me who don't see the support for staying. That's OK. This is a good place to vent and get out frustration. I just hope that everyone is
very careful how we talk to people who come here afraid and vulnerable, and not just use our own decision to leave as a catalyst to encourage everyone else to. I for one, am happy to be here in my marriage. For many reasons . . .