thanks everyone. y'all are really helping me see this from a different perspective. one that makes a lot more sense for my recovery. one where i'm not letting myself be held hostage by my past. it's hard, forgiving all that and it's not something i can do in one fell swoop but it's something i know i can do with a little time and tenderness. anna, i haven't done a Gratitude Journal but i think that's something that would do me a lot of good, especially when i get a little lost in my past. i know i hold grudges against myself often. perhaps it would be a good thing for me to start acknowledging when i do that instead of just writing it off and letting them simmer. and instead of holding those grudges, acknowledging what i'm grateful for in my life, things i've brought about and things that have happened to me so i don't get such a lopsided view of my life. all this has given me a lot to think about. mostly, it's reminding me that i've gotta learn to treat myself as a friend, not the enemy. that's what got me in trouble in the first place.