thesoberhalf

Hi everyone.

I am new here... I just needed to vent and here it is. sorry if its random... i have a lot in my head.

When I met my husband he was everything I could ever want. So kind, funny and made me feel safe and secure. We used to go to the gym together, always went out to parks, different attractions, places to eat... etc.

After about 6 months of dating we started going out together to get a few drinks at a bar or restaurant. it was not a daily thing, just on the weekends. Later on I realize that about 10 years prior he had quit drinking... wondered why he started drinking again. I cannot help to think it could have been me or something that triggered it.

Anyways the drinking got more and more... I started to drink more often too but not to the point where I was drunk or anything. it started to become a few weeknights too.

A few more months in, he was going through something (i just dont feel like mentioning that here)... and he started drinking a lot. He started smoking cigarettes too. Never did he smoke in the time I knew him up til then. I hate it... still hate it. I was in an abusive relationship and that person smoked cigs so when I smell it, it sort of puts my mind back into all of that I went through... smell really does trigger memories (for me anyways). its like he doesnt even care even though I explained why it gets to me... i start to get panic attacks and feel bad inside.

So then he started to change in his mood and just plain overall. During this rough time the drinking got WORSE then we would get into arguments with me and it would turn physical because he would sit there and call me names like an inch away from my face and provoke me so if i pushed him away he would push me down to the ground and do it some more until i just stayed still. I wont lie-- i have a temper too especially if you call me a 4 letter word that starts with a c right in my face for no reason at all. I mean... how do you ignore that when its in your face? He knows how to push my buttons.

he claims he was drunk when he kissed this other woman (before we were married)... that was the night he wrecked his car and was so drunk (went to a concert)... i ended up wondering around in a not so nice neighborhood trying to figure out how to get home which was hours away but i had no cash on me. it was a nightmare... i waited forever for him to sleep it off that night but that took until morning. I tried driving a 6 speed that night and it didnt work so I gave up... thats why I did not drive. plus i was out of state and knew nothing of the area.

Ok so after this issue he was going through, he started drinking at work and I think its why he lost his job (through tardiness). so of course one morning to work (he ran way late) because he caused an accident and ran off the road then ended up at a rest stop DRUNK and was arrested for DUI. This was the 3rd DUI. First two happened before i met him. of course he claims they happened because of major events in his life (not good things of course) and it made him become like that...

He got off easy which in a way I wish he didnt... because it seems like since he had a good lawyer he could get off with no jail time and unsupervised probation. I dont know how being the third time but i guess because it was so spaced apart or something... So he lost his job of 28 years the same day as the DUI because the police didnt let him call work and they arrived at our apt the same time i picked him up from jail. Work was concerned cause he didnt show up or call i guess.

Ok so our lease was up on the apt about a week after that... i convinced him to come to another state with me because we were paying rent on a house (rent to buy kind of thing) that was in the family. I wish I never did that but where else did he have to go? Live in a car? I dont know...

So its near Thanksgiving of last year... a few days before actually. We already moved most of our things in anyways before he got fired because we were doing the rent to own... but he figured he would try to transfer from work to this state- never happened obviously.

For 3 days he locked himself in the bedroom and just drank. He was talking to himself like he was nuts... for 3 days and nights straight. screaming, crying, had hate in his eyes. he had music blasting (kind of like now, reminds me of last Nov because hes doing it now pretty much)... He smoked in the house and it smelled so bad inside. I would get mad and go to my mom and dad's (they were on vacation) but he would drive over and sit in the driveway or just ring the doorbell over and over or call the phones over and over until i talked to him.

What prompted me to write this was- he us upstairs now... music blasting (subwoofer set up on his computer) and its thundering downstairs since the bedroom is right under it... i dont know what he is doing. this isnt him unless he drinks.

He also has been taking a LOT of trips to the garage lately and i was looking for a stash (never found it). he rubs his head a lot in a weird way when he drinks and he also talks like a different person. its just not him. So over the past 3 weeks have i noticed this. Sometimes he smells like whiskey but i think its cigs on his breath... i dont know though.

I know that sometimes he goes and buys me drink mixes from the liquor store. One time I saw a receipt for like... 48 bucks but i added it up in my head that 2 packs of cigs and a 6 pack wouldnt be that much so I dont know what else he bought.

I feel like I am going nuts... he blasts music or the tv (both are hooked to a speaker system in this small house) and he knows that it gets my nervousness going... i get panic attacks (like right now) and i feel like crying. I cannot get away from it. I dont work. He still does not work because of the job market... i see him everyday looking online for work. He is starting to get really depressed and not acting right because of the job situation. He has ran into our garage with his car and cracked the side of it... my dad said theres black car paint on the garage and we all know what happened- dent in car too- but he denied it everytime we said something. He also goes into the yard and revs the car's engine til it redlines. i dont want it to blow up because its more money we dont have right now to fix. My neighbors have heard it and seen it i am sure. they probably wonder why he drives and parks in front of our pond (we have a pond near the garage) with music on, like he is going to drive into it....

I dont know what to do. Its like when things go south I am the one there in direct line of fire... why is it me I wonder. My last relationship was crap. This one is really turning into crap... its like he does not care for my feelings at all.

What started today's fight was- i smelled cig smoke in the house. I said- can you not smoke in the basement because it comes right through the vents (even with windows closed he smokes on the porch and the smell comes right inside)... he turns around with- I only took one puff in here why do you always have to hound me for things... I can never do right around you... that was about 8 hrs ago and I just avoided him as best as i could tonight. hard to do in a tiny house.... but i am doing it.


So there is NEVER a time to bring it up. I mean what do i say to him anyways? I cant keep living in panic mode... i am in tears constantly by myself when i go in another room... i am so unhappy. I told my parents and my mom (for some reason) tells me to deal with it and acts like i am the one with a problem even though at a dinner once he flipped out and started cursing and calling everyone racists names saying we started it (then walked home)... it takes nothing to set him off. I cant even tell him how I feel even though at night i wait til the morning then I never say it because im afraid its going to be a physical fight again.

I dont know what to do. I just want the person that I met back... he quit drinking before for years and i feel like i am so unlucky that he has to get back into it all and SMOKING when he is with ME. my dad even told him hes great when he isnt drinking... I thought about getting earplugs or something because I want to sleep soon... i am just exhausted tonight from whats going on. it doesnt take much for me to feel drained of energy.

this is not the man i know. can someone help me because I dont know how to say it without him getting mad at me and starting a fight. Like i said... i always have it planned in my head (what i want to say) and when morning comes i dont get to it because we are doing ok.

I will go take some anxiety meds now... thats all i can do. i feel like crying some more.

thanks for listening to my rant... its easy for me to post online to strangers.