regrets and anger
So i had a wonderful day at Six Flags yesterday with my husband. We really had a blast. I felt so free, so full of life, so joyful. During the long waits for the rollercoasters, we talked about so many topics and, as always, among those tpoics was sobriety. Nothing heavy bit i enjoy bouncing new insights i have off him and he's happy to hear my progress and offer his views. The only time i really even thought of alcohol was when we passed some people sitting, drinking beer and i noticed the sharp smell of alcohol but it didn't trigger me in the slightest.
The problem came when we left the park and stopped for dinner. When the adrenaline started to wear off. For some reason, i started reflecting on all the time i've lost to drinking. I could have been doing this for years. This and so much more. So much joy that i won't have. So many years gone. Because i didn't listen to the people who told me i had a problem. I turned away help and wise council. In my disease and selfishness, i squandered years of joy for years of self pity and loathing. I know i was sick. I know it was, is, a disease of my mine. Not just my alcoholism but my untreated bipolar disorder at the time. But i regret. So much. I regret that loss of time so very, very much. I al mearning to accept that i will never get it back. I can accept it but i don't have to like it. That's life and that's what i am willing to live with.
So i've been looking at this and been looking for the good. I mean, how can there be any good from all this regret, anger at myself and sorrow? All i've really found are these. In my anger, i get to practice forgiveness. If i can learn to forgive myself, it will give me someone to practice on so i can get better at forgiving other people. For the regret and sorrow i can only use them as a lesson and motivation. I've lost too much time. I can't afford a relapse. In the balance sheet of my life, i'm in the red. What i'm doing now is filling my life with experiences to enjoy and savor. One day, by maintaining my sobriety and living my life to the fullest, i will have experiences my life so that in the balance book, i'll be back in the black.
And all i wanted to do was go to Six Flags, have fun at Fright Night and ride the rollercoasters!