Hi Fallow,
I so relate. When I'm heart-broken, harrassed, mauled all at once I immediately want relief. You know what you're going to do, Fallow, and I'm not in a position to suggest otherwise. All I can say though is to be kind to yourself. You deserve it. This will sound incredibly trite and...sappy maybe, but having an attitude of self-compassion can carry you through the bad patches. when I'm in that space of feeling like I'm going to implode, the idea of giving myself a break gets me off the precipice. We alcoholics are so hard on ourselves and so ready to throw ourselves under the bridge. Nothing you're experiencing is your fault. It's life and life is horrific sometimes. What I'm learning to do is to do things that make me feel better, things that are good for me.
If you have to do the booze, then that's your choice of course. It's harmful, but you know that. The point is that there's no judgment against you one way or the other. You are a valuable human being and always will be. In my experience, the best way to heal myself of the kind of pain you're in is to see this and hold onto it through bad times and good.
Anyway, I hope you feel better and find some sort of peace.
Zorah