Madeofglass, you are right on in all that you said about my AH and his father. Here's another tricky part of the equation = my AH and his father work together in the same business/office so they see each other every day. My AH is always kind and thoughtful to his father and often just plain rude to me and our kids.
titanic, I have participated in MC with him - even before we married because he was abused as a child and I was concerned about how he had dealt with it. fourmaggie, i'm sure some of his shame stems from that.
thank you all for your insights. I need to have a place to talk about this and a counselor would really help me.