Originally Posted by mry

thank you so much for replying.

He does not currently see a therapist, but he has seen 2 different therapists off and on throughout our marriage. He didn't disclose that he was drinking to them and the therapy sessions were often about how I was not a good wife. He has a lot of resentment toward me. This is hard for me to hear from him because he minimizes the effect his drinking has had on our relationship and takes little (no?) responsibility for our problems.
I don't know this for sure--but it sounds like your H was raised in a very rigid and black/white thinking home. He is still very far away from understanding the role he has played.
3-4 nights a week, he sleeps from the moment he gets home until we are all in bed. Then he gets up and eats and goes back to bed. Some nights he is awake but even then, it is like walking on eggshells with what offends him. This is hard for the kids because they have detached and he wants affection. He yells when upset and overreacts and then is mad when our kids don't want to kiss him good night because he has yelled at them.

He wants affection from the kids without having earned intimacy with them? Again, this reminds me of a rigid upbringing. Kids must love their father because he is their father, they must look up to him and want his approval, no other reason necessary except that he is their father. Let me guess--that is how he was raised, and his father was upset if he any conditions to his love for his father.
Love isn't automatic because a father pays for food and shelter, and his genes are in the children. This may be difficult for your H to understand that in real relationships, there is give and take, not love via subordination.

I'm sure part of his sleeping is exhaustion because he has a long commute and difficult job. His sleeping is just so strange - it's very much like passing out.
That's because it is meeting the same need as passing out. He is sleeping as a method of avoidance because he isn't drinking. The sleep is serving the same purpose--to check out of having to form intimate relationships, deal with other people's emotions, and play an active role in the family dynamics. Why should he? His father never did. He simply doesn't know how! He also may not believe that is a father's role, only to stand strong and discipline.

It is very hard for me to be affectionate to him when he seems so disconnected, both physically with the sleeping but also mentally. Last night, we went to parent teacher meetings and he repeatedly asked each of our son's teachers if our son was mean and let the teachers know that if so, my AH would take care of the situation. He seemed to be totally unaware that we were at the meetings because our son, who is a polite and sweet kid, is struggling in school. If I mention that a child is struggling, he gets angry that I'm playing the "drinking card."
There's the tough guy father again. His father was very judgmental and distant and tough, wasn't he? Now he is repeating that behavior by announcing that he will squash any "meanness" in your children to the teachers, and yet does not address the struggling aspect. He is more concerned his children are behaving under his rigid rules of conduct than he is in addressing their needs.
There's the problem with his father. No doubt his father had rigid roles of conduct and never addressed your husband's emotional needs. Your Husband needs to address his issues and rigid thinking that he is stuck in repeating what he learned from his father.

Would I be better off with Al-anon or individual counseling?