Kaim

First time posting, never doubted myself or my SO's choices before last night. I'm struggling to keep myself out of denial and really could just use some anonymous judging and insight. This may be long with lots of usel as I'm replaying the past few months in my head, trying to figure out the right call.

My girlfriend's son is 17, and since age 14 has been viciously verbally abusive towards her, and has done some property damage (worst was breaking a car windshield with his fist). He admitted to smoking pot, and we've always been hesitant about keeping alcohol around the place as any bottle we have either disappears or is watered down by the weekend. Eventually, it just became easier to stop buying it then constantly question him about it. In June of 2012, things had reached a breaking point where we were talking to her lawyer about terminating parental rights and giving full time custody (she has sole legal/physical) to the dad since every weekend, it was just a full time screaming match between teen and mom. We tried everything, setting boundaries, calling the cops, alerting his friend's parents, getting him counseling, etc., nothing mattered so we were done - we realized that only he could save himself, and while we would always love him, we had a right to be safe and happy in our own home as well but he would only be able to return if he accepted professional help and agreed to be sober and clean. 2 weeks before we served both the dad and teen with papers essentially evicting the teen, there was situation where he was caught in bed with another man's wife. After sorting through that mess, there was a criminal investigation opened into the wife for sexual abuse, drug trafficking/sale, and possible meth consumption. Apparently she was a recovering meth addict, something we never knew about her. The teen called us up the Friday before he was to be served, asking us to meet him at a local pizza place. We met him, and he came clean about the past few years and his usage. This is where the self questioning begins to take hold.

He told us that he was using Xanax, weed, alcohol, and random other pills on a regular basis. After growing closer to the wife, she ended up supplying him with Oxys, and Percs, also offering him meth and coke which he denied taking. He then stated that he knew that path he was on wouldn't lead anywhere good, that he needed professional help, and wanted to be clean and sober while improving his relationship with the mom. He also asked to live with us full time, which after much discussion, we agreed to on the basis that he attends counseling, and stays clean and sober. If the verbal abuse should return, he would get 1 warning about it; same with the drugs - the next time either happened, he wouldn't be welcome in the house anymore. In the next two months, he completed a diversion program (a little less then rehab), was actively attending counseling, doing better in school, wasn't verbally abusing mom anymore, he even got his driver's license and was passing the random UAs that we were giving him. He was back to being the son we knew and loved, he even talked about getting back involved with the military after high school; something he hasn't done in years (it was his childhood dream to be a solider). Last weekend, he asked to use the car to go to a movie with some friends, we agreed and told him to be home by midnight. 2am rolls by and he still isn't home, finally he comes home at 2:30 reeking of booze and pot. Apparently, they never went to a movie and instead went to party. The next day, he was set to attend a wedding of a friend's sister which we agreed to as we knew the family, and the friend had already bought a dress. He was set to be back by 8, but rolled in at 11 again reeking of booze and pot. From what we gathered, he blew off the wedding and went to another party. Finally, on Tuesday in the counselor's office he starts puking to the point that he needs to be removed; after getting him home, it's obvious he's high as a kite. He's still only admitting pot and booze, but the UA is also showing possible opiates and methamphetamines use. We are still waiting for the lab test to come back and we're not trusting a store bought UA for this.

He still isn't verbally abusive, but one of the conditions of him living with us full time is that he stayed clean and sober. Not only did he fail that, but he also drove drunk and high, putting others at risk. We were set to kick him out last night, giving him until Sunday to remove his stuff, which we told him about before changing our minds, and agreeing to intensive outpatient rehab. He is also only allowed to use the car for school, rehab, and work. Any usage, verbal abuse, or any deviation from the plan we're still working on is instant kicked out. No 4 day period, no passing go, the cops will be called and he will be removed. He can return with the cops to collect his clothes.

I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling who the loving kid was a month ago vs the very real possibility of relapsed son. He is a minor, how do you kick a minor to the street for pot and booze usage when we did the same things? We bent once against our better judgement because we're not ready to give up on him, but he deserves to live his life and the consequences they bring, even if it destroys us inside.

I guess I'm just looking to be told that we're doing the right thing, or that we're overreacting.