You probably don't even know this - but many of us have been praying for you, following your journey and waiting for this post!!
You can do this. You sound like such a smart, warm and loving person! You are worth every effort you put into YOU!!
Guilt is not from God, drugs are not from God, fear is not from God. So let it go! Keep your eyes, mind, and heart open to HIM, he will hold your hand through this!!
God Bless!