Because it's uncomfortable and the active addict/alcoholic doesn't like feeling uncomfortable. It's easier to continue using and the people who truly love him/her only bring up feelings of guilt, shame, self-hatred and the "truth."
Addicts are all about avoiding the pain. It's painful to face how your behavior has impacted the people you love the most. MUCH MUCH easier, in some ways, to just keep on using--and blocking it out.
My husband has been out of the house since Feb. I can count on one hand the number of times he has seen our two daughters. He has only made 2 attempts to see our 10-year-old and 1 attempt to see our 18-year-old. He wants, at this point, NOTHING, to do with me.
Be grateful that you don't have to deal with the active addiction face-to-face. We miss him, we love him and we pray he gets help... BUT He is not someone I would ever dream of living with right now. The girls and I are much better off, when he is using, if he stays away.
I also think the part of him that's still able to feel, purposely stays away because he doesn't want the kids to see him like this. In some ways, I think he protects us from what would be truly awful to see. This is the part of his life he feels deep shame about. No one sets out to BE and Addict--not exactly a topic of pride. Not to mention, I wouldn't tolerate it--so he would have to go back to lying.
He has lied--off and on- for the last 22 years. Imagine the burden of living a lie in a house witha firm commitment to the 12-steps. My mother has 36 years of sobriety and I've been working an Al-Anon program for a large chunk of my life. The 12-steps are a big part of our lives.
It must've been torture to try and live in "our world."
But, I'm still glad he isn't living here! He has a skanky fellow addict to encourage his drug use and that's fine with me for now--because he's isn't the man I married right now anyway.
Heather