MamaKit

So, it's been 3 months since AH threatened my life and was arrested. We have had no contact in this time. It has been awful dealing with the trauma of that event.
I've moved into a new place and have been discovering just how sick with codependency I was (am). But generally, I have been feeling like I am doing pretty well staying strong and positive.
STBXAH will be back in town and will be visiting with our boys for the first time since that event. (They've been communicating by phone and skype since he has been living out of state and the protection order prohibited physical contact). The visit will be supervised which I'm sure is supremely frustrating to him.

Just the anticipation of this visit is pulling me back onto the rollercoaster. And the only one responsible for me getting back on is ME!

I'm just amazed that after all of this work on myself and the understanding I've gained about his disease and mine, that it takes so little to bring me back there. I'm thinking about how he may be angry to see our empty house (where he will be staying). I'm imagining his reaction because there will be no salt, pepper, butter, or anything at the house to make things easier for him. I'm thinking of the things I can do to avoid (or control) a bad reaction from him...like setting out some silverware and dishes (which are there for him but in packed boxes). And maybe putting some food in the cupboards. I know that my motivation is to manage his behavior (can't control him) but it is a constantm, CONSTANT battle in my brain.

It makes me appreciate how fragile recovery can be if we do not keep our eyes on the road. I don't know if he is in true recovery or not -but I feel empathy for him because staying on track must be much more difficult for him.

I wonder if staying on track and keeping my eyes on the road will get easier the longer I do it?

Thanks for being there,
MamaKit