Originally Posted by
Lara 
Hi MrsDragon thanks for your post... reading your post reminds me so much of me and my sister. H (he is not my husband but a darling friend of over 15 years - whom I became intimately involved with about 7 years ago - so we have known each other and have been so close for many years) and who is a very close friend of my sisters - when we first suspected (heard the rumours) that he was using cocaine - we decided not to judge / not to comment / to ignore what we had heard / to treat him as we always did... so not to 'chase' him away - so that he knew he could always come to us in his 'hour of need'. But isn't this considered 'enabling'???
Such a tough one!!! I took this approach with H's coke addiction for years - we were alway so very close - but recently his behaviour has impacted to greatly on me - and I have had to go 'no contact'. It is devastating for me - but I need to protect my own sanity!
We don’t feel that we are enabling him because of our decision. I think it comes down to personal boundaries, and what each of us find acceptable to maintain balance in our lives. My son had been employed by my husbands company; and when he discovered shall we say ‘improprieties’; he had to confront him about the suspected drug use; and ultimately suspend him from his job, until he can prove that he is stable professionally.
On the other hand, we also had to discuss with him our personal relationship. We have always had what we consider to be a healthy, respectful, enjoyable relationship with him. Even when he is actively using, he never comes to our home when he is obviously high from using, he will have a drink; but he has never got drunk, etc. He has never stole from us (probably only because he hasn’t needed to). We had one incident after my husband suspeneded him; before we had the family discussion; where he most likely under cocaine influence damaged outdoor property, but it was more done from his feeling hurt by us than anything else.
So as far as enabling goes; as long as he is able to maintain the relationship we have, and it falls within boundaries we set to keep us healthy; then I don’t think it is enabling. Others may of course disagree, but my husband and I have made a rule that we will make decisions on our son, based solely on what we can live with. We have no idea what will happen with him going forward, but whatever it is; we have to be able to live with the decisions we have made.
In your situation, it sounds like he broke your boundaries, and made your life miserable; in that case your decision to go no contact was probably best because you need to guard your own health and sanity before worrying about him.
I hope things get better for you soon Lara; I know it must be very hard to end a long standing friendship, especially one where romantic feelings likely remain.
Hopefully this road you are on will lead you to find new happiness soon.