Raj -
How about meetings? a program? working the 12 steps? Are you doing any of those things?
This is just my opinion, which means nothing to anyone but me, but right now I am going to share it with you.
I am an addict and have been since high school if not before. If I told myself that this is the last time I will attempt recovery, it would definately be the last time, I would probably be dead right now. That is exactly what my disease wants to hear. Don't put limits on yourself like that.
Go to meetings, meet people in recovery and hang out with them. Get a sponsor, work the steps, give yourself a change.
You have been through hell, we all have, but we don't have to live that way, we have a choice, the choice is recovery. Sometimes we slip and fall, but we pick ourselves back up and we keep trying, again and again. Don't let your disease rule you like that. I never say that I will never use again, almost everyone in the years I have been around that has said that has relapssed and some have died. Never say never, but never say this is my last try.
Thanks for sharing your story with us, now i would like to hear about your recovery.