Originally Posted by
MrsDragon 
KariSue,
I have been going through something similar with my husband. Our situation is different from yours in that our son does not live with us. But we recently went through a situation where my husband had to suspend him from work because of how shall I say ‘improprieties’. I was unhappy with the way he handled it. And there was one point when after not speaking to him for a day, he finally said that he did not want our son’s issues, to become an issue between us; and we went away for the weekend and tried to reconnect and rebalance.
I think that when dealing with a child (regardless of age); parents often have different feelings of how to handle things. I am glad to hear you say that your reasoning for wanting your son to move is because of how the situation makes you feel. I don’t think it is ever wise to get in the mindset that an action we take (like asking them to move out) will have the desired consequence of forcing them to their bottom, and ending their use. I feel that often backfires.
My husband and I have talked with specialist in addiction, and in family counseling. One way it helped, was that is allowed us to share the same sources of information, and it kept us on the same page. It’s a really tough thing to balance I think. Staying true to yourself, but balancing that with the needs of your partner.
My suggestion is just talk, and talk. My husband and I have one firm rule, and that is we will base our decisions on what we both feel comfortable with; because whatever happens with our son based on choices we make; we have to live with that.
Thank you, your post is so helpful!
Well, good news. We went out to dinner and this last episode that my son pulled finally was my husband's last straw. Our son will be gone by October 1!!! Plus that, my husband had a idea/plan that we both feel good about. I am hesitant to say what the actual plan is because many here wouldn't agree but so what, who cares, it might help someone else. So here goes.
We decided that although he doesn't deserve it, we will give him one last bit of help. We are going to let him find an apartment but he can't go over a certain dollar amount and we WILL NOT co-sign anything. Our name will be on nothing. Starting in October, we will pay 3 months rent on a cheapie apartment. After that, we are D.O.N.E. No more money ever and he will never, ever move in with us again. If they want a bigger place, they can save up and get one. It might be wrong to 'help' but he will be out of here forever, we can both agree on it. I really wish my husband would have thought of this 3 years ago.
We are going to tell him Monday to make sure we sleep on it and are still fine with it in a few days. I know I will be.
Kari
P.S. To be fair, they did have money saved up to move out but then he hurt his back (herniated discs) and couldn't do his physical labor job. They had to spend all their money on doctors and MRI's, etc. Now he has insurance but didn't have it before they used up all their money.