KariSue,
I have been going through something similar with my husband. Our situation is different from yours in that our son does not live with us. But we recently went through a situation where my husband had to suspend him from work because of how shall I say ‘improprieties’. I was unhappy with the way he handled it. And there was one point when after not speaking to him for a day, he finally said that he did not want our son’s issues, to become an issue between us; and we went away for the weekend and tried to reconnect and rebalance.
I think that when dealing with a child (regardless of age); parents often have different feelings of how to handle things. I am glad to hear you say that your reasoning for wanting your son to move is because of how the situation makes you feel. I don’t think it is ever wise to get in the mindset that an action we take (like asking them to move out) will have the desired consequence of forcing them to their bottom, and ending their use. I feel that often backfires.
My husband and I have talked with specialist in addiction, and in family counseling. One way it helped, was that is allowed us to share the same sources of information, and it kept us on the same page. It’s a really tough thing to balance I think. Staying true to yourself, but balancing that with the needs of your partner.
My suggestion is just talk, and talk. My husband and I have one firm rule, and that is we will base our decisions on what we both feel comfortable with; because whatever happens with our son based on choices we make; we have to live with that.