whatsgoingon

Aint that the truth.

I have been battling with myself quite a bit these last few weeks as I have been really down. A lot of my lows are work related because I run my own business and its quite stressful. Thing is when I take a step back from the business and try and work out why I cant cope with it I don't really have an answer. Admittedly I'm very busy and the money could be better but the potential my business has is very encouraging. I just don't know how to organise myself and I tend to let problems mount until there is so much to deal with I literally feel paralyzed and I just don't know where to begin. Consequently I have been drinking more. I get home after a long day in the office and once the kids have gone to bed I make dinner. I love making dinner as I find it a great way to unwind, problem is when I'm in the kitchen alone its the easiest place to sneak a drink. I've got a fridge full of beer and wine and a kitchen cupboard with cooking stuff like brandy.

My drinking these last few weeks has been bad, for me. I actually thought that if I could sort the depression out then I would naturally stop drinking. Reading the comment above has made me realise that its probably the other way round.

I have been having epiphanies all day! Lol!

The more I realise that my dark cloud of depression has been accompanied by his evil friend alcohol the more I understand that the two go hand in hand. I look back through my life and in real times of trouble alcohol has always been there as some kind of emotional crutch. I have remembered a few occasions that when I was having low periods they only changed when I changed. For instance, I had a destructive relationship with a girl in my mid twenties. Ironically she had a drink problem way worse than anything I am going through now. The relationship lasted about 6 years and I would honestly say I knew around about the 3 year mark that I had to get out of it. I did not love her, she had a drink problem and relationship was a series of highs and lows. (the highs such as holidays were just papering over the cracks). I was desperately unhappy in the relationship and felt so trapped. At the time I drank but not huge amount, my vice back then was weed and would pretty much get stoned every night. The weed would block out my misery and I would just numbly go through one day after another. I realized after a rare moment of clarity that the only way I could get out of the relationship was by quitting the weed so I could deal with everything. I couldn't solve any issues with my mind so dull and dumbed out. Two weeks after stopping smoking I left her and since then I have never smoked it again.

Role on ten years and the weed has been replaced by booze. I cant cope with the stresses in my work and life so I go home and block all out with a drink.

I need to quit the booze. Then and only then will I be able to focus on my business and life, I might then actually make something of it and myself. Its a fantastic opportunity and if I could actually sort myself the business could really be a success. I have all the ideas to take it forward just my stress, worry, depression and drinking holding me back!

I do feel like I've seen the light in the last 24 hours. I just hope I can keep on track.