Originally Posted by
pdxinchi 
In the meantime, do you think it is going to blunt our chances of success if I let him back into my heart by accepting and sharing his affection? My walls are up right now while I try to figure out what it means to take care of myself and the baby, but to be honest, I don't feel happy or relaxed in this state.
You love your husband and hate his disease, right? So it's your call but it sounds like you really want his love and support right now. Why not just be blunt and honest and say that you really want him there for this and need him by your side?
If you need to set the boundary at "...but only if you are not drinking" then do that.
I've been spending a lot of time on that question for myself - I kinda arrived at "I won't live with an actively drinking alcoholic". If my wife has a relapse then the reality is that I would be handling my responsibilities plus hers and I simply won't do that AND worry about, argue with or negotiate with someone while they are intoxicated so she would need to go get help (or not) while I do what I need to do.
...the "or not" is not callous, it just means that what I would want is for her to go to a hospital or rehab or some other medical treatment facility but I have to keep reminding myself that if and when this becomes an issue she is an adult, I can't make her get help and all I can do is decide what I am need to do and let her figure out what she needs to do.
Remember those three C's - Didn't cause it, Can't control it, Can't cure it. That part is easy and logical.... the harder one is "and everything I do in an attempt to help is likely to make it worse'. That's the one we all go nuts over sometimes :-)
Keep coming back and go to al-anon. If you are down and need support, who better than a collection of frustrated codependents to turn to ;-) Where better to find people just dying to help SOMEONE LOL.
Laugh too... it helps